Join the new world

And I was bored to death! So I started looking though profiles and saw that many of them had a witty "About me" section. Since mine was bare I went through the process of trying to fine some for myself! While I may not have found the best one (You can be the judge of that) I did find some funny sayings / quotes / phases that I thought I'd share!


"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

The road to success is always under construction.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.

He who laughs last, didn't get it.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."

"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."

"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing".

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…

The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Beauty is a light switch away……………..

when life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone eles who life handed them vodka and have a party

“GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

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This sentence is a lie.

Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!

Change is good, but dollars are better.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver

When life gives you melons… you might be dyslexic !

There’s no I in Team, yeah but there is in WIN

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.


I got these from Here There are more there if you want to look through them all.

And since this is my first post, I'll work on making them better in the future (and maybe add some pics as I know what's what you guys seem to love 😛)