Join the new world

4 April 2011, Day 1,231 of the New World. Greetings, loyal citizens of Israel and readers from around the globe. This is my final address to you as a second-term President of Israel. There are many topics I wish to address here; be warned.

Reelection or Lame Duck?

In truth, I sort of knew that I would not be running for a third term by the middle of the second. The conquest of Saudi Arabia accomplished, I began losing energy to do all the things I was doing at the end of my first term and beginning of my second. I revealed this many times in private but always had something else to do rather than make a public announcement. I guess it’s better late than never:

I will not be running for President of Israel this month. I did not seek party nominations, although at least two or three existed for me had I confirmed them. Of course it is too late to get on the ballot anyway, so you all probably figured this announcement out.



Midway through my first term, I would occasionally be approached by citizens using broken English who assured me that I would not be elected a second time. They said a Hebrew candidate would get “90%” of the votes. It was a weird way to start a conversation, so I just responded with, “Have a nice day” and moved on. I kept right on running the country, which back then meant getting it fighting fit.



(Alright, that might not be entirely true. I may have responded a few times with “I have millions… I have millions of supporters… from the desert to the desert… I will call on the millions… inch by inch, house by house, building by building… quickly, quickly.” I was leading a military junta, after all!)

February was supposed to be a much more interesting month, but due to factors outside my control it wasn’t, at least until the final few days. I went uncontested again that next election, which was quite appropriate because it was really just the culmination of my first – the war with Saudi Arabia. This entire article could be devoted to that war and everyone involved, so to keep things short let’s just say that went well.



By the end of the war and the halfway point of my second term, I was again receiving messages in broken English. They were much more encouraging this time, though, asking if I would remain in Israel after my tenure as President, if I would run for President a third time, or apologizing for what they said a month prior.

After the war, things started occupying my time in other areas and just draining too much of my energy each day. Case-in-point, this newspaper has not seen a new article in two weeks. I’d like a little break from leading the entire country, if that’s alright.

Plans for the Future and Rumors

Multiple people were once under the impression that I was preparing to leave Israel after my term as President. Maybe it was a natural assumption based on me reaching the top of the pyramid, so to speak, a pyramid which was probably built by Jews, or maybe it was in response to a shout I made simply asking what the best country to be American in is. I was mostly referring to the United States becoming increasingly Turkish, though. They thought it would be kind of like this:


Last Crusader

Like other rumors, I did not have a chance to dispel it in public, but I have made my position clear many times in private already. I do not plan to leave Israel. I have lined up no other countries to go to except for the occasional battle.

Do not worry, Israel. Your Dear Leader will continue to watch over you.



My political positions cast aside (no longer President, Party President, or Knesset), I will go back to just being Commander of IDF. I know, I know… it does seem a demotion from Supreme Generalissimo, but this is what the country needs right now.

The last month we’ve generated many plans in the officer corps that unfortunately we did not have the time or ability to initiate. People have been busy, and I’ve had political duties overshadowing some of the day-to-day maintenance work in the armed forces. Hopefully after recharging my batteries metaphorically, and possibly also literally because of my propensity of use a wireless mouse and keyboard, things will start happening in IDF again. Our dedicated corps of officers has made progresses these last four months that I do not wish to see go to waste.

Now we have basically a new economic and military module to adapt to moments after getting acclimated to the old one. We need to keep our daily activity level up even on days not marked by a new battle against Saudi Arabia. Funding is always an issue. Basically IDF Commander is a full-time job these days.

Did I play my part well in this comedy of… being President of Israel?

Loose Ends from This Term

So now that I’ve gotten those announcements out of the way, let’s move on to broader topics affecting Israel. These are less personal in nature and more in tune with a Presidential announcement.

Egypt



I worked closely with President of Egypt heboo and Minister of Defense antjerci during the war, but after removing KSA from the map we spoke less frequently. We have an ambassador and good relations still, but we don’t call as often.

Israel and Egypt benefitted from a bit of a population exchange and Christian leadership these last two months. Now, just looking at the statistics and some basic forecasting, it appears likely that the next President of Israel will be a Jew, and the next President of Egypt will be a Muslim. I can only hope that the cooperation between Israel and Egypt will continue unimpeded no matter the circumstance.

The traditional border between Israel and Egypt, Beersheba-Sinai, has been “closed” by the presence of Greece in Sinai. However, the war opened up a different border between us and our Arab neighbors.



The division of Saudi Arabia was planned before the rules change that made exclaves undesirable. Now that Greece holds Medinah and Riyadh, the oil regions of Mekkah and Jizan do not provide resources to Egypt and Israel respectively. (Egypt has their own core oil region, however.) With cooperation between Egypt and Israel, these regions could be used for training wars. The idea was lightly explored this month, but more pressing conflicts presented themselves – namely the invasion of Greece by Turkey. It is something the next administrations can explore. If Israel loses Jizan or Egypt loses Mekkah, though, they won’t easily reclaim them and a natural enemy war would close (unless the border between Egypt and Israel across Sinai has been reopened).

National Goals

Those of you who voted for my last month may recall my national goals. They included Al Jawf, a region currently held by Israel. This means goal accomplished! However, for whatever reason, my national goals were assigned as the national goals of Greece. ARISTOMAXOS, on the other hand, declared no national goals, and Israel had no national goals this month.



I was never explicitly informed why I was actually President of Greece all along while ARISTOMAXOS was the President of Israel instead of me. The political module is given “low priority.” Interestingly, this was not the first month that my national goals were screwed. Last month admins changed the date that protection of the new nations would be lifted, retroactively making my goal of Northern Borders impossible.

We actually deserve two Israel-has-fulfilled-three-national-goals monuments for my terms. In lieu of being justly granted them, we may have to build our own.

EDEN vs NWO

That’s how it started, anyway. Lately it seems more like the whole world vs NWO/ONE. That is except for, say, United Kingdom deciding it was more important to invade Belgium than fight against NWO. Then again when have you ever know UK to be competent?

Things are pretty bleak around the globe. Greece lost some home regions, and Croatia lost all home regions. Lately we’ve been putting all our effort towards the defense of Greece. Recently, Israel has moved closer to EDEN by renewing our mutual protection pact with Greece and signing a new alliance with Romania. We still have almost two weeks left on our alliance with the United States.



Tell me who’s going to mess with this.

I am still very confident that EDEN will pull through. We always have before. You just have to take the bad times along with the good.

Luna

The world’s diplomats have been abuzz with a new development about to hit the New World. Powers have come together to exorcise this spectre: Hungarian radicals and Singaporean police-spies. The network’s existence has been rumored and even leaked. Now, in the sixth segment of this article, I officially announce Israel’s entry as an original member of Luna.



Knesset has approved the measure, and I officially signed the charter on behalf of Israel today – 4 April 2011, Day 1,231. There will be more information forthcoming, but proto-Luna military forces have already successfully deployed to Switzerland and Belgium.

At this time I can confirm that our significant other, Philippines, has also ratified the Luna charter.

Order of Israel

Another act approved by Knesset, Israel now has a state order of merit. Simply named the Order of Israel, membership is limited to five inductees per month nominated by the President and confirmed by Knesset. The February group of people granted membership has already been accepted, and those names will become public when a satisfactory method for conveying that, such as a Wiki page, has been constructed.

Slavs

Slav is the new American. With the recent immigrants from Serbia (all of whom I like… they’re pretty energetic about contributing to Israel) and now from Croatia following the loss of their homeland, coupled with the eastern Slavic population already in Israel and maybe even a Pole or two, Slavs outnumber Americans here. I could accurately be described as a Slavic-American (Slovakian), but for this purpose I include myself in the American category. After my term is concluded, I think we will have a Polish or Serbian President of Israel before we have another North American. All these Slavs bring up another topic…

Hebrews

Critically examine the statement, “We need an Israeli President!”

Let’s say that Israel is 75% Hebrew or Israeli Old Worlder. Then let’s also say that we will have two people running for President, as we do this month, and they are random for the sake of statistical simplicity. That is at 56.25% chance that both candidates will be Israel.

If the country is 80% Israeli, that probability is 64%.

If the country is 85% Israeli, that probability is 72.25%.

If the country is 90% Israeli, the chance both candidates are Israeli is 81%.

If everyone in Israel was standing in a stadium and I threw a ball into the crowd, it would most likely be caught by an Israeli Jew.


Of course I mean the kind of football you can throw

Is it really necessary to go out of your way to impose a glass ceiling like that? Personally I would rather have someone qualified to be President wherever he or she is originally from.

Knowing Hebrew would be a plus for a candidate, of course. I wouldn’t have to ask someone to translate this si😜age, rambling article if I knew Hebrew. Knowing English is a boon as well, as it is the lingua franca, which I’m pretty sure is ironically French. Any diplomatic message sent to me whether it be from Ireland, Mexico, Canada, Greece, Romania, United Arab Emirates, or Philippines was in English. If a candidate is not fluent in English, he would have to take significant efforts to augment that weakness.

End-of-Term Executive Orders

As the President of Israel, I hereby decree that the Israeli territory of Al Jawf be renamed Francoistan.

I was going to rename the Israeli territory of Northern Borders to Rheinland, but as it turns out that name is used be two regions of Germany. Or maybe it’s France or Poland these days… Europe’s borders are a mess. Therefore, Israel’s grain region of Northern Borders shall henceforth be known as Rheinlanderland by executive order.

In keeping with the Catholic tradition of naming places after they day they were discovered, such as Christmas Island and Easter Island, I declared Asir first to be AshWednesdaygrad, which was eventually shortened to just Ashland.

By executive order, the Israeli oil exclave of Jizan will now be known as either Jizrael, South Judea, or South Jerusalem. I haven’t really made up my mind on that point.

Things You Miss Without Shout Histories

I mentioned this shout in my article – good places to be American?

The Philippines has changed its status.

Israel has changed its status.

What is loyalty anyway?

My friends are awesome enough to capture that Pikachu.

Sailor Shout!

I don’t even know where I was going with this.

President of Israel proposed a mutual protect pact with Greece