Join the new world

When I was younger a genie asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis….. I forget my response
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The last party I went to I threw my keys into a bowl …. I really ruined that trifle for everyone
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I feel bad for my girlfriend because I always cum first, she suggested I try this cream that makes you less sensitive. It worked now I couldn’t give a f**k
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so if ‘do you want some coffee’ is code for sex, how come I got kicked out of starbucks
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I’d have given my right arm to be in def lepard
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he’s so far in the closet he’s bumming mr tummnus
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I once saw a little green man so I walked towards him and he disappeared, and that’s when the car hit me.
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for sale 1 packet of unopened polos ….. mint condition
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Why do they put fences around graveyards …. Because people are dying to get in.
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Beaten up by a woman today.
I was in a lift admiring her boobs when she asked me to press 1.
So I did, don't remember much after that...
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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket
Nurse: oh some ar*ehole’s got my pen
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What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
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So I’m sitting staring out the window and I catch the girl in the opposite flats staring at me giving me the murkiest look imaginable. I almost dropped my binoculars.
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Did you hear about the big concert that only costs $0.45? It's 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
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So I walked up to a girl and said ‘wow that’s a nice handbag’ she rolled her eyes and said to her friend ‘this guy like my handbag’ smirking. So I needed a way to let her know I didn’t give a s**t about her but did like the handbag… so I stole the handbag.
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Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mum.
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Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
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Q: What do you call an Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
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I always cry after sex
pepper spray just has that effect on me.
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Q: What's my definition of foreplay?
A: Don't scream or I'll kill you.
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Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a f**king goodyear
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Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
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Q: Why is santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking filler.
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My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade
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I don't like dubstep music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like dubstep music, denigrate means 'put down'.
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I hate protest, but i’m not too sure how to express this hate.
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I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort
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Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
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I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
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At least 60 winners of the Miss Universe beauty pageant have been from earth. I dunno seems a bit fixed to me.
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My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.

I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..."

"That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
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"Very Funny Scottie - Now Beam Up My Clothes Too"
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If you can keep your head while those about you are losing
theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
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Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.
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Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
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Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
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Two silk worms were in a race. What was the result? A tie!
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Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
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Man: Doctor I've got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.
Dr: Bend over I'll have a look...mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.
Man: That's just the tip of the Iceberg
Dr: I’ll just go get you a dressing for that
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Being raped!
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knock knock
who’s there
doorbell repairmen
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An English Cat and a French cat are always trying to beat each other.
The English cat is called 'one two three', and the French cat is called 'Un Deux Trois'
They decide to have a race to see who is first to swim the channel..
Anyway, the one two three cat won because the Un Deux Trois Cat sank...
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What's two feet long and slippery?
A pair of slippers.
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I've just bought a kinky Star Wars 'bounty hunter' outfit.
I got it from a Fettish shop.
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What is brown and sticky?
My Beyonce poster.
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What’s brown and sticky?
anal
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I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia.
I fear the Wurst.
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Porn has ruined my life.
My boiler broke and I'm scared to call the plumber.
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The worse job I ever had was crushing lemonade cans ....................... it was soda pressing
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When my girlfriend told me that Davy Jones of the Monkees had died, i thought she was joking,..... And then i saw her face. Now I'm a bereaver!
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A local radio station are running a phone competition to win either $200 or tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
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Blonde in car accident and the paramedic gets to her and checks her breathing and pulse etc then checks for blurred vision holding two fingers in front of her says "How many fingers have I got up"
The blonde replies "Oh my God I'm paralysed"
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Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom demand.
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Dear Deidre,
I was at the bedroom window watching the next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless.
As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded....watching me!
Do you think she's one of those perverts!
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i’ve got a tip for women with massive breasts
or if they like i can put the whole thing in
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I've just seen my son carrying the toaster up to the bathroom.
"Fat b*stard!" I yelled at him.
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This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some f**k up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "S**t!" he moaned. "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pi**ed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
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Q: What comes after 69?

A: Mouthwash.
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Found a hole in the back of my wardrobe today
and I went through to this strange wonderful land
and my neighbour was there in the bath
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So it turns out not all horses are trojan horses.
That was a messy afternoon.
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So it turns out not all pigs are piggy banks.
That was a messy afternoon.
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So it turns out not all ducks are toilet ducks.
That was a messy afternoon.
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I think I proposed to my girlfriend too soon,
I spelled out ‘Will you marry me?’ in balloons on her lawn.
When I saw her face I popped the question.
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Heard a strange telephone conversation this week,
‘You put it down’
‘No you put it down’
Vets do love to chat about work though.
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Recently i’ve been diagnosed with attention def… OMG a rainbow. Look a rainbow you guys.
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Prit is not the best lip balm i’ve ever used….. but i couldn’t complain.
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After 17 job interviews, and still no job,
I'm beginning to think wearing my lucky track suit isn't so lucky.
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
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First we were gatherers collecting nuts and berries to eat
Then we learned to hunt and we would eat the meat with blood dripping down our faces
Then we learned of fire and we could cook the meat
Then my parents separated and we were taken into care.
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My girlfriend bought a top with D&G on it. To be fair 1 boob is indeed bigger than the other.
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I thought my girlfriend would be okay with me sleeping with other women considering we were on a break, but apparently I ruined that weekend in paris.
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Sometimes i’ll buy a girl a drink and they get totally the wrong idea about me, they think i’m just a nice guy buying her a drink.
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My son wants a gold fish for
Christmas... He must think I'm made
of money.
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The most popular wine in my house at Christmas?

"Please dad no more it
hurts."
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Didn't help myself in court yesterday.

I was arrested for child porn charges and the Judge said, 'How does 5-6 years sound?'

I said, 'Sexy.'
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I love local elections

it’s the only day i’m allowed within 100 yards of a primary school
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A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
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Bought a book recently ‘How to be happy without money’ £93.99
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This year i resolve to improve the lives of children everywhere by staying in more
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Every year at christmas we play risk,
we leave uncle pete alone with the kids.
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I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......
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I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".
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Apparently 1 in 5 people are now chinese. Out of my mum, dad, sister, brother and me i suspect either my mum Janice or my brother Ho-Chin-Me.
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I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again
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I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy
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Thanks to everyone who joined in.

Good night people