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Disclaimer: this article is a satire, which means I'm currently 90% nostalgia and like 10% water I guess


^{Mandatory (angsty) listening}

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Welcome to a new and improved episode of Goodbye Blue Monday! It's exactly like the old Goodbye Blue Monday. It's kind of a Coke-Classic New-Coke type thing


^{Editor's note: If you were curious, this protest is my aesthetic}

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Quote of the day:
I giveth, I taketh -President Yui, presumably talking to a homeless man he had just given a nickel.

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And now for all the news that's fit* to print, a slogan which I came up with, before the sleazy New York Times stole it from me and then travelled back in time to use it first.

^{*This is an accurate standard if one accounts for Goodbye Blue Monday's notoriously low standards for printing.}

eUS President Offends Ghost Demographic With Offhand Comment

Washington DC – President Yui, in the midst of a heated reëlection campaign, made comments that beltway insiders are decrying as "offensive," "textbook ghost-racism that may inhibit the writing of ghost textbooks," and "tone deaf." This comments included a harsh rebuke to the ghost writing community, including the phrase "Fuck ghost writing."


^{The ACLU has since decried Yui for contributing to Ghosts' famously low literacy rates, although critics have suggested that their inability to hold books may also be to blame}

Spectral Writing is a fragile and only recently established community as most ghosts spend considerably more of their time haunting than writing, and the Presidents comments have deeply offended those committed to Ghostly literature. Ghost novelist, and founder of the first Ghost Book Club Malarkey83 was quoted as saying "BoooooOOOoOOOoo," the relevance of such comments to this issue is hard to miss.

More saliently however, is the fact that political experts assess Ghost votes to make up approximately 80% of those cast in recent elections. "There's no way more than like 30 people play this game, and idk there's like a hundred votes, so, you know, some of those are bots, but like a lot of them are definitely ghosts" political commentator and election expert Tyler Bubblar informed our reporters. Additionally, many ghost voters are elderly, sometimes hundreds of years old, ensuring extremely high (yet spooky) voter turnout among Ghostly-Americans. "In fact," Tyler continued, "Yui has traditionally benefitted from the ghost vote as it is a well known fact that ghosts are naturally terrified of horses."


^{This ghost informed our intrepid reporters that he wants to be loved, as well as complete his degree in communications}

Sources close to the President have been quick to downplay the damage that such comments may cause, insisting that Ghosts identify with Yui's inability to ever sleep. When asked to comment, Inwegen, a spokesperson for the Yui campaign, simply replied "Yui ain't afraid of no ghosts."

Anonymous sources close to Yui however have informed us that the President is actually deathly afraid of ghosts, mummies, the sun, and particularly large squirrels, among other things.

Ghost Book Club would also like to remind all readers that they will be convening next Friday in the old abandoned warehouse by the docks. The book under discussion will be Sense and Sensibility. All are welcome.

Goodbye Blue Monday would like to note that this paper is written by Paul Proteus who probably died in 2012 and a team of imaginary reporters, who evolutionary biologists believe are close cousins of ghosts, and thus may have some bias in the previously reported segment.

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Controversial Study Questions Evidence Surrounding ePollution


^{Scientists: What are they? Seriously though...}

A Reasonably Large Hovel Somewhere in Romania – Plato, broadcasting from the largest research center in Romania, has recently shaken the eWorld with his announcement that eGlobal Warming has been occurring faster than anyone expected. With the discovery of pollution, many citizens have begun campaigns to hug trees en masse and limit the negative affects on our regions.

Advisors to the eUS Congress however, have completed a large study, and have published shocking results. Indicating that "pollution is dumb," and "really not in like the top 50000 of changes that we wanted," scientists associated with the eBigOilGroupForSavingTheEnvironment have recommended that players go outside and hug a loved one instead of reading up on whatever Pollution is.

"It's something to do with airplanes maybe? Production?" GBM's editor in chief Paul Proteus was heard muttering when asked to contribute to this piece.


^{Goodbye Blue Monday's Artistic Depiction of Oblige Wading Through Polluted Waters}

In other news, a campaign has begun to "Save the Whales" as notable eRepublik resident Oblige is said to be in "extreme danger" as the nation's oceans continue to be plagued by pollution, littering, and references to the USAF. Current estimates approximate that $4 have been donated so far to the cause.

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Influential eUS Players Cackle Over Plot to Make eUS Forums Go Offline for an Hour

PigInZen's Secret Bunker – As noted societal deviant Hadrian X has begun compiling a public list of elites in his X-Files series, true elites everywhere have been forced to accelerate their devious plans. Although noted elitist scumbags like Israel Stevens have been quick to point out that Hadrian's list is "inaccurate," other nefarious elites have decided that they can take no chances, and feel that they have been forced to enact all of their devious plans a few days early, sources inform us.

PigInZen, a notable member of the Forumnati Cabal, and affable spokesperson for popular cleaning products, was overheard by Goodbye Blue Monday spies detailing his plan to take the forum down to "repair" it, and possibly, according to our local expert on elitist activity, Franklin Stone, attach mind control chips or something, we're not entirely sure, but he has informed our paper that Pfeiffer is definitely involved, and possibly reading all of our communications. The plan, which we have attempted to put together from a series of garbled rantings from notable players, found both shouting on the street, and leaving us clues in the form of a long scavenger hunt primarily in Aramaic, involves murdering democracy. Nefarious indeed.

We were going to reach out to Pfeiffer for a comment on the story, but we were assured by our anonymous sources that he was "mean," so we decided not to. Further attempts to communicate with one of our most cogent sources, Arrden, another expert on the subject, were interrupted when his inclusion on the X-Files rankings led to his summary execution by a stampede of angry sheep.


^{Exclusive photograph of a killer}

We will continue to update this story as we learn more about this plot.

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Your Moment of Zen


^{Get it? My sense of humor is bad!}

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That's all for now,
Later guys~

Your guide through ennui,
Paul Proteus