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THE TRUE STORY OF Pa Q, Part Four of Nine


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IV. The Tragedy of Love

There are said to be some victors who take no pleasure in a victory unless their opponents are as fierce as tigers or eagles: in the case of foes who are as timid as sheep or chickens they find their triumph empty.

Other victors, having vanquished all foes, with no-one but themselves supreme, find themselves lonely, lost and forlorn. Then their triumph is a tragedy.

But not so for our hero: he was always exultant. This may be proof of the moral supremacy of eRepublik boys over the rest of the game-playing world.



Pa Q was elated as if he were walking on air! After floating thusly for some time he floated into the former Guardian Angels Temple where normally he would have begun snoring as soon as he lay down. That evening he found it very hard to close his eyes, being struck by something odd between his thumb and forefinger, which seemed smoother than usual.

It is impossible to say what it was, or whether it was a consequence of groping the little nun's head and bum.



"Pa Q, may you e-die with no honor and be reborn as Bruno's butler!"

The sounds echoed again in his ears and he thought, "Quite right, I should take an e-wife; for if a man has no sons he has no one to honor him at his e-funeral... Yes, I ought to take a wife." Thus his views became aligned with the teachings of the wise saints and sages of antiquity, and it is indeed a pity that later he should have run amok.






"Woman, woman!..." he thought.

"...Little nuns... Woman, woman, woman!" he thought again.

We shall never know when Pa Q finally fell asleep that evening. After this, however, he often found something between his thumb and forefinger and he was very often a little light-headed. "Woman..." he kept thinking.

From his travails we can see that woman is clearly is menace to mankind. The majority of players could easily become saints and sages and great victorious heros if not for the unfortunate fact that they are ruined by women.

Pa Q, as we have seen, was a man of strict morals to begin with. He had always been scrupulous in observing "strict segregation of the sexes", and demonstrated righteous indignation in denouncing anti-social elements like the little nun and the Disgusting Fake Forig. His view was that "All nuns must carry on in secret with monks. If a woman walks alone in the game world, she must want to seduce bad men."

In order to correct such behavior, he would glare furiously, pass loud, cutting remarks, or, if nobody was watching, throw a small stone from behind.






Who could have foretold that a man approaching thirty should lose his head over a little nun? Such light-headedness, according to the classical canons of all traditions, is most reprehensible; thus we can conclude that women are certainly hateful creatures. For if the little nun's head had not been soft and smooth, then obviously Pa Q would not have been bewitched by her.

Five cycles earlier he had pinched the leg of a woman-comrade at an open-air queer-communist peoples punk-opera event; but because it was separated from him by the cloth of her trousers he had not had this light-headedness afterwards. The little nun had not covered her head, however, and this is obviously another proof of the odiousness of such anti-social elements.

"Woman..." thought Pa Q.

After this he kept a very sharp look-out on those women in the village whom he believed must "want to seduce men", but they did not smile at him, nor even when he listened very carefully did they reveal anything about any secret rendezvous. Pa Q wisely noted that this was another proof of how sneaky women assume a false modesty.






One day when Pa Q was scrubbing the floors in Mister Jo's house, he sat down in the kitchen after supper to smoke a bowl. If it had been anyone else's house, he could have gone home after supper, but they dined early in the Jo commune.

When Amanda Jones, the only full-time hired housekeeper in the Jo household, had finished washing the dishes, she sat down on the long bench and started gossiping with Pa Q:

"Missus Jo hasn't eaten for two days because the Mister wants to get a mistress..."

"Woman... Amanda Jones... this sexy housekeeper..." thought Pa Q.

"The young Missus is going to have a baby in the eighth month of the current cycle..."

"Woman..." thought Pa Q.

He put down his pipe and stood up.

"The Missus says -- " Amanda Jones chattered on.

"Sleep with me!" Pa Q suddenly rushed rushed forward and threw himself at her feet.

There was a moment of absolute silence.



Then: "Aaaaaaaiiiiiiyaa!" Dumbfounded for an instant, Amanda Jone suddendly trembled then rushed out shrieking and could soon he heard sobbing.

Pa Q was dumbfounded too. He stood up slowly, dimly aware that something was wrong. He decided to go back to polishing the floor. But -- Bang! -- a heavy blow landed on his head. He spun around to see the Young Mister Jo, Howard, a successful and popular 5-time member of the Peoples Congress for the Libertarian-Socialist Youth Brigades who was well known for getting lots of votes and comments for his articles on anti-elitism, thwacking him with a large bamboo pole.

Pa Q escaped through the kitchen door as Howard Jo chased him, shouting: "Scoundrel! You dastardly heel! Blackguard! Wretched vagabond!". The young player shouted after him, exploiting his impeccable vocabulary to the fullest: "You are a bad egg!"

Pa Q fled into the barn, aching, still remembering that "Bad egg" because it was an expression never used by common Weishauptian villagers but only by the well-connected party leaders and commissars who had seen something of official life.

All thought of "Woman..." had flown out of his skull. After all this cursing and beating it seemed as if something were finished. He set about de-pooping the barn, a never-ending task. Soon this made him hot, and he stopped to take off his shirt.






He heard an uproar outside. Always drawn to excitement he went out to see what was up. He saw many people gathered in the Jo Commune courtyard, including the Missus who had not eaten for two days. The neighbors from the Hupp family, who were all members of the tiny Transcendental Mathematics Party, a kind of anarcho-communist think tank devoted to re-inventing the mathematical foundations of all philosophy, were there too.

The Missus was talking quietly to Amanda Jones. "Everybody knows you are a good woman. You mustn't think of committing suicide." Amanda Jones muttered something inaudible.

"How interesting", thought Pa Q. "What mischief can this tarty housekeeper be up to?"

Wanting to find out, he was approaching closer to the group in the courtyard when suddenly he caught sight of Howard Jo rushing towards him, and what was worse, he had that big bamboo pole in his hands. This reminded Pa Q that he had recently been beaten by that stick, and then he realized that he was connected in some way with all this excitement.

He darted and ran and ran until he was back the the former Guardian Angels Temple. After catching his breath and sitting for some time, he felt cold because the nights were beginning to get chilly and he was shirtless.

Then the bailiff from the Peoples Revolutionary Militia came in.




"Curse you, Pa Q!" said the bailiff. "So you can't even keep your grubby hands off the Jo family housekeeper, you rebel! Now you've made me lose my sleep, damn it!..."

Under this torrent of outrageous abuse Pa Q had nothing to say. Because it was night-time and he'd interrupted the bailiff's evening nap, he had to agree to pay the bailiff twice the normal bribe -- 1,000 CC instead of 500. And because he had no money ready to given him, he gave up his favorite baseball cap as security, and also agreed to the following terms:

1. The next morning he must take two large scented candles and a large bundle of ceremonial sage to the Jo family to atone for his misdeeds.

2. Pa Q must pay for the Dioist priests whom the Jo family would need to call in to exorcise the evil spirits from their household.

3. Pa Q must never again set foot inside the Jo Commune.

4. If anything unfortunate were to happen to Amanda Jones, Pa Q would be responsible.

5. Pa Q was not permitted to return to the Jo's to retrieve either his wage or his shirt.







Naturally Pa Q agreed to everything, but unfortunately had no money. He pawned his padded quilt in order to be able to comply with the terms stipulated. After bowing deeply as he provided the candles, sage and cash to the Jo family, and paying the bribe to the bailiff, he still had a few kopeks left. Rather than using them to redeem his baseball cap from the bailiff, he spent them all on drink.

The candles and sage were actually used by Missus Jo to conduct an Occult-Feminist-Satirical Mass devoted to having her cheating, sexist husband killed. The old shirt was mostly cut up into diapers for the baby which was born on schedule in the eighth month of the current cycle, and a few tattered remainders were used by Amanda Jones to cover over a hole in the soles of her shoes.













XOXOXOXOX,
PQ
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Previous episodes:

I. Four difficulties
II. A Short Tale of Pa Q's Victories
III. Further Accounts of Pa Q's Victories


Five more fascinating parts to go. Enjoy them all!