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Hello eUK, as some of you may know there is currently a tournament going on between UKRP, WRP and ESO on Rome Total War. Last night ESO snatched victory from the jaws of defeat against UKRP. As a writer and Total War enthusiast I felt like writing a (dramatized) account of the battle. Enjoy
Mist drifted across the hilly landscape as the three noble armies met at the watchtower. From the west jny rode at the head of a roman legion, from the east Sir Jimmy marched alongside the pikes of Macedon and from the south Apron Chef lead a force of the noble greeks. The 3 armies lined up facing northward as the 3 generals met. “Well that took a while.” Jny said as he ached in the saddle. “It was your fault, you disappeared from the last battle.” Sir Jimmy proclaimed stabbing his pike into the ground. “Actually I thought it was me who left the battle.” Apron Chef replied as he thrust his hardened greek chest out. “Never the less we are here now and we can easily command from here, remember communication is the key to victory.” Jny declared. “Nah this sucks, we can talk with messenger birds. Cya” Apron Chef dashed back to his army and, agreeing with him, Sir jimmy pulled out his pike from the ground and returned to his Macedonian formation. Jny sighed, ‘I wouldn’t mind if the messenger bird wasn’t called steam’ he though as he too returned to his army.
Soon the mist had risen and before them stood the ranks of the UKRP. The feared Addaway, known for slaughtering many political opponents, lead the army of the roman senate. To the east sat Gali, who had raised an army from the mighty Seleucid Empire. Steam swooped down to jny, before crashing into the ground beside him. ‘bloody steam’ jny thought as he opened the message. “You deal with addaway and I’ll deal with Gali. Ps. Good luck with the hill. Love Sir Jimmy” ‘Hill?’ jny thought. He gazed up from the message and looked at Addaway. “Oh… that hill.”

In an instance the noble greeks, began their march at the hill, Apron Chef marching alongside them. “Come on jny we will take it in one big push.” Jny shrugged and order his troops forward to the foot of the hill. Suddenly a storm of fire arrows came raining down on the ranks of the greeks and romans. “It’s the hill of doom!” before archers could be brought up to return fire the legionaries of the senate came crashing down on the confused and outmatched greeks. Addaway sat laughing his evil laugh as he watched the greeks become virtually surrounded. “Forward! Charge!” His laugh was broke as jny rode forward with his cavalry charging both the legions and the archers.
Jny bracing for the slaughter
The brave romans of jny’s command joined the sides of their noble greek allies to fight the veteran units of the senate. Addaway, with a wave of his hand sent forth his own cavalry who quickly ran down the attack on his archers. In moments jnys cavalry was broken and soon the whole roman army broke out in panic, retreating from the fight. Apron Chef, seeing the romans fall back quickly rallied his troops to protect the retreat before withdrawing further back. “This isn’t going so well is it.” Jny said as he ordered the few remaining men he had managed to pull back into some sense of a line. Apron chef nodded in agreeance. “We should hold back here, the ground is flatter and we can fight him better here.” Jny bowed to Apron Chefs superior plan.
Meanwhile Sir Jimmy pulled his pike from the last Seleucid warrior. “That was surprisingly easy” he said to himself as he watched the remaining Seleucid troops flee. “Shame the others didn’t see it so they could record it or anything. I wonder how they are getting on, I shall go and see.” At this Sir Jimmy wheeled his troops round to the remaining romans and greeks. “What on earth happened here?” he said as he looked at Addaway laughing from atop his hill. “We attacked and slew many enemies!” jny shouted. “But lost most of our own in the process and were sitting here hoping Addaway might attack us.” Sir Jimmy shook his head. “Right I’ll sort it out.”
Sir Jimmy marching to save the day
The 3 armies marched up to the hill. With a fresh army and new courage the allies stormed up the hill. In a flash jny ordered his archers to suppress the cavalry. Under the hail of arrows they broke and like waves upon rocks the noble greeks, determined to finish what they had started, and unbroken Macedonians smashed into the legions of the senate. Within minutes the senate were broken and fled the field.
Apron Chefs mighty second charge
The forces of ESO were victorious, no thanks to the hill.
(this is totally unbiased view of Maximus Biasus, roman writer who was at the batte)
I hope you enjoyed it.

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