lancer450's Guide to Dating (For Guys and Rather Butchy Women)

Day 1,993, 13:08 • Published in South Africa Netherlands • by lancer450

'Sup guys,

I know many of you out there struggle with dating, well except for Wayne. That guy is the biggest man wh0re I've ever met. Anyways, hell, it's difficult for most of you just to find someone that could stand to be around you for more then 3 consecutive seconds. To help fix this, I decided to create a guide just for you. Here it is: What To Do Before And During A Date.


First off, just unwind, relax and be yourself. Be the self who is 3 inches taller, is 10 pounds lighter, and makes $150,000 per year. Yeah, be the guy you say you are on your eHarmony profile.


Also, please, NEVER allow either of these sentences to EVER leave your mouth during the date:

1. "Please tell me you didn't tell any of your friends, family, or the police that you were meeting me here, did you?"

2. "… and so that's why the judge ordered that I be neutered."


You should be sure to remember to start looking and feeling good far in advance. This means building your confidence. Now, the best way to build self-confidence just before your date is to have a quick date that goes extremely well with a much more attractive woman than the one you’re actually planning to meet later on.

But since we both know that won't happen, you’re gonna have to have your mom give you a pep-talk. And you’ll need to thank her again for picking out your clothes as well. 😛

Have your mom choose clothes that are appropriate for where you're going to be going for your date. For example, many clubs have these things called "black lights,” so this will be the perfect opportunity to show off your remarkable and well-known "New York City-at-Christmas" dandruff display.


Also, remember to be prompt and punctual. You obviously aren’t all that good-looking or interesting or witty or pleasant or sweet or enigmatic or amusing or charming or talented or captivating or sporty or creative or successful *gasp* but at least you will have shown up on time for the date. Remember, you are essentially aiming to be the union worker of the dating universe. You are the fat guy that pulls a lever every 5 minutes and expects to be paid the same as Donald Trump.

I would also like to remind you, gentlemen, that this is the age of the metrosexual. This means it is perfectly okay to use cosmetics to cover-up your pimples. And if you do that, you should also cover-up your d!ck with some make-up and, while you’re at it, paint on a vajayjay because you're a little sissy girl.


Remember, before your date, do not waste time like you usually do, downloading vast amounts of p*rnography to add to your collection. You need to make that special someone feel different than any of the other women you’ve dated by downloading choice amounts of extraordinary p*rn. Also, guys, those socks stuffed down your pants should look subtle and restrained. You shouldn’t stuff so many in your underwear that people think you might be developing a giant elephant trunk where your groin used to be. You should also practice saying the slogan, "I just got tested," until it sounds totally natural and not like your hiding the fact that you have given your past 4 partners some form of herpes.


I hope this guide was very helpful to you. Now get out there and procreate! 😉

Happy dating,