Gormley Left Hospitalised After Freak Seagull Incident
John Gormley
The eIreland community was left in a state of shock today after hearing that their beloved Congressman, John Gormley, was admitted to the Cork University Hospital following an unexpected altercation with a large flock of seagulls.
There has been a big upsurge in seagull-related perpetrations reported to the Gardaí lately and Mr. Gormley is the first high-profile victim of this spate of violent attacks.
Early reports suggest that Mr. Gormley was simply strolling along Garretstown beach in West Cork, minding his own business and chewing on a lollipop. Suddenly he became surrounded by a dozen squawking seagulls, flying in a circle around his shaking body. Gormley was accosted by one particularly menacing gull who wrenched the lollipop from Mr. Gormley's grasp and began chewing it himself.
The only thing witnesses could hear the eccentric Congressman utter in his meagre defence was,"Ah, feckin' birds again! They're losing the run of themselves!"
The Green Shoots is not quite sure what happened in the flurry of activity after that - we can only speculate. Here is what we think may have occurre
😛
The head seagull pulled the lollipop out of his beak and pulled it across his throat in a slitting-like motion. His underlings immediately went in for the kill...
3 seagulls swooped down onto the powerless man's head and started pecking ferociously at his ugly face. Gormley was instantly blinded and bleeding profusely from his eyes, nose and mouth. He dropped to his knees and started moaning in discomfort. It was only then that the true ordeal began.
The remaining birds swooped down to join in the attack. The combined strength of 4 birds was used in trapping the stricken man by binding his arms and legs. The last 4 birds arrived to viciously strike and peck Gormley's abdomen with their beaks, wings and legs. All the while, they could be heard loudly screaming and squawking with triumphant aplomb. Their leader stood a few yards away for the entire event, his chest puffed out and laughing maniacally.
Eventually, after a 15 minutes of pure agony, the head seagull called off his troops who flew away, leaving Gormley writhing in pain on the wet sand.
A few passers-by noticed Mr. Gormley's visible distress and called for an ambulance. He was taken to the CUH where he is currently on life support. Doctors have also indicated that he has several broken bones and teeth and he may never see again - if he ever even comes out of his coma.
Meanwhile, the President of eIreland has declared the 12 seagulls "heroes" and has invited them to a civic reception at Áras an Uachtaráin.
Comments
Are you sure they weren't hooded crows?
No. Definitely seagulls
I say Ian E Coleman and his EA crows...
Only a Corkman could chew a lollipop.
🙁
We have special skills
ahh my plan against ordo heretics is working mwahahahaha mwahahaha mwhahahaha.
ok wait its said gormley your gromley so who was attacked ?
Hey! You sent those birds!!!
plausible deniability: what birds
Hope he comes out of coma, game would not be the same.
Don't worry. I walked it off! 😛
Feckin birds!
Yup! 🙂
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIpfWORQWhU
you start singing the moment you read the first sentence? 😛
don't worry i did too. 😑
That attack was done by trained cats impersonating seaguls as a sign of revenge coz of that previous article of Gromley where he described heavily insulted Kurgan by calling him nice....
Clerics has many cats ready for the next time Gromley......
Seagulls: Vicious Animals, Misanthropists and stollen-fries Lovers.
Also, if they don't think the moment is right to attack directly, they just drop a load on you. 🙁
Strength Gromley!
There is a Herring Gull that steals people's food from their hands on Grafton Street. In the morning it sits on top of the delivery or window cleaners trucks and dives a short distance to grab the food out of peoples hands. Later in the day when the street is fully pedestrianised it flies up and down the length of the street at low level and waits patiently for an unwary lollipop or ice cream chewer. It has no friends though and only goes in for theft rather than GBH...
Maine is seagull heaven. I live more than 70 miles from the ocean and there are seagulls around here. Stupid birds. They flock around dumps to eat the garbage. You go to the beach and if you don't watch they take the food from your hands never mind from any unattended packages or bags.
Rats with wings.
Actually that is disrespectful to rats.
Sorry rats.
its the rule of the jungle. Maine men are now below seagulls on the food-chain hence they take your food. in africa we are just below the lion actually seagulls here bring us snacks and carry away our garbage for us.
Seagulls are great if you have a shotgun. Or if you find them on the water and have a jet ski to chase them around with. Otherwise, not so much.
I'll see if I can sneak a few pints into the hospital for you, John. Strictly for medicinal purposes, of course.
It's only medicinal if it is Guinness.
Darn things are protected here in Maine. Can't shoot em.
your the ones protected their afraid seagulls take you out if you try and shoot one.
Gormley ran, he ran so far away... couldn't get away.
its good that Gormley can no longer see gulls.