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I've got 2 jokes, which I think are pretty funny:

1. Not Afraid
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

2. Mr. Bean and Einstein start chatting and eventually they come up with a competition:
Einstein : "I will ask you a question, and you will ask me a question as well. If you can't answer my question, you must give me $1, and if I can't answer your question I will give you $1000"

Mr.Bean : "Okay"

Einstein : (giving Mr.Bean a hard question)

Mr.Bean : (gives $1 to Einstein)

Einstein : "Okay your turn"

Mr.Bean : "What is an animal that has 4 legs, and when he is crossing a street he only has 2 legs, and when he goes back, he has 5 legs?"

Einstein : (Thinking very Hard) "I give up, I can't answer that" (Einstein gives Mr.Bean $1000)

Einstein :" By the way, what is the animal, Mr.Bean??"

Mr.Bean : (gives $1 to einstein)

Lol... 😛

Thank God for Buddhism. 😃

Two criminals go into a school and steal everything - books, paper, the lot. Apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels.

The police say they're looking for a pair of dirty criminals.

The Russian has taken first place, closely followed by the Lithuanian and the two Polish, the Greek and the Pakistani are battling it out for the fifth position, while once again the British have to settle for last place.
No, it's not an Olympic event...
Just the queue at the Benefits Office.

Have you seen the fisherman's wife? Yeah, she's a catch.

Have you seen the football player's wife? Yeah, she's a keeper.

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep, and his wife is in the bed.
"This is the pig I have sex with when you give me a headache" the man said.
The woman replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep".
So the man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

I don't have a wife.

Why didn't the pencil become the leader of the pencil-case gang? Because he likes to be led.

I saw two snowflakes having a fight earlier, I said "Come on guys, settle down".

I've always wanted to learn how to fix watches, but I never have enough time.

What did the grape do when his career dried up? He started raisin a family.

There are three types of people in the world; those who can count, those who can't count, and ermmmm...

I used to be a Pole dancer, then I realised I wasn't Polish...

Gareth Bale.

I don't like country music, but I don't like to denigrate those who do. For those who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

I've set up a land mine business in Syria, and yeah, prophets are going through the roof!

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a well known six-offender.

A photon walks into a hotel but to the surprise of the workers he didn't bring a suitcase. Obviously, he's travelling light.

How many holes do I have in my socks? I'll tell you when I can afford some socks...

Next week I start my new job at the penis extension clinic


They've offered me an impressive package

Whats the difference between Greece's Government and Organised Crime?

Organised Crime is Organised

Schodinger's cat walks into a bar
and doesn't

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"

Funny joke: Womens rights.

How many Welsh does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who cares. They're Welsh.

3 Gold going to perilouspanther second also for good shoot gona give 1 gold for cheetah 🙂 thanks all guys had some nice laf. Todays contest is BIG power stash for free i will type new contest.