[WHPR] Day 1362 Irish Potato Cannons

Day 1,362, 09:28 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room
After four days of battling succubi, slow news days, defective wireless cards and failing hard drives, White House Press Secretary Necros Xiaoban has been rescued by our Dear Leader, President Cerb, and returned to work. Your regularly scheduled White House Press Release will resume momentarily.



Dear Sweet America,

The war with ONE has taken a new turn for the better, with our good friends in Ireland declaring Poland their Natural Enemy. This entry by Ireland into the American-Spolish War came about after ONE willfully attempted to deceive Ireland. It is this two-facedness that has always put a division between the United States and our enemies and we gladly welcome Ireland's assistance in this fight.



The Irish are of course especially known for their elite potato cannon forces. Capable of launching SPUD missiles from 3.7 miles away, the potato cannon is a fearsome weapon. The United States Armed Forces will continue their attacks on Polish-held territory in conjunction with Irish forces so that we may then turn our focus onto the digusting, no-good, dirty, rotten, two-faced, pig-stealing double Spaniards.



Of course, the United States has not fought this war alone. Time and time again our TERRA allies have stood with us, and we owe to them a debt of honor. Even now we assist France as our first priority. We do this because our allies are our friends, our comrades, our brothers. We do this because it is right. Putting pressure on ONE abroad also reduces the influence it can exert here at home, strengthening the Irish attack on Poland. We will see our way through this war, and we will do so together.



As you may already be aware, a large sum of gold was removed from the Congressional Budget Office by admin. This caught our CBO directors rather off-guard and they have been investigating the matter with haste. CBO Director Publius informs us, however, that an appeal is not likely to be granted until after the weekend. The removal of gold from our treasury is but one in a string of parallel incidents in major countries across the globe. No explanation has been forthcoming.



In another example of Congress never quite keeping its finances in hand, we are approaching bankruptcy. The multimillion dollar reserves we had accrued at the start of the summer have nearly all vanished and its estimated that the United States has only a week's left of cash on hand to continue funding its expenditures.



With defense cuts being especially unpopular at this time it is likely that Congress will have to find new sources of revenue, either through a bond measure or by raising taxes. This will of course come as a disappointment to many, but it is worth remembering that Congress did indeed lower taxes not all too long ago which is of course how we got into this mess in the first place.



In what I hope will become a regular feature of the WHPR I'm also sharing another selected favorite of a Cabinet member. This time, from Bewbs 4 Newbs Director jerseygirldani we offer Ashley Greene:



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Stay classy, America,
Necros Xiaoban
White House Press Secretary