White House Press Release #116: North Korea and government jobs!

Day 964, 19:32 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room

This is the second White House Press Release of the Bradley Reala administration. Shout it out, as the !! box is currently broken.



North Korea

Well done, America. We’ve saved a friend from the horrors of addiction. He hit rock bottom. He was forced to stay home from rehab, shut his family out, and sell himself for cash. Last month, the rest of his true friends and family cooperated with us to free him from these demons. That’s a metaphor, by the way (at least for me it is, I hope it is for you too). The friend I’m speaking of is North Korea (spelled as Corea by some of the members of the eUS community) who has long been controlled by Russian PTOers.

The Russians first took over the North Korean government when North Korea attacked Russia as a block. This block was during World War 3, when America was being invaded by several nations. Needless to say, this was a crucial moment for us. The sacrificial block by North Korea gave the United States a little time to breathe.

The North Koreans have been under Russian control for months now. They have been swamped at every election by hundreds of accounts operating with a mechanical precision and efficiency. They’ve simply been a puppet state for Phoenix to walk all over. Not anymore though. Efforts were made by Strategic Air Command and other EDEN forces to finally take back North Korea with this presidential election. In a contest that went down to the wire, EDEN prevailed over the robotically methodical voting by the Russians. A new president is in charge, one who actually cares about North Korea. We wish him luck as it will be a hard fight to keep the Russians out.

You can make his job easier though. If you have Korean citizenship, please keep it. If you really need more encouragement to stay than my word, take a look at Rod Damon’s words here and here. I’m sure you’ll feel quite inspired. If you want to get in on that action, contact Strategic Air Command. They can still use the help.



Government Jobs

We have all been through the nightmares of this before, haunting our minds and fun glands. Imagine living a dull, gray life of repeating the same boring routine. We protect our gums by brushing and go to work everyday. As a result, we seem almost robotic. Do you want to break the cycle of dull life? Do you want to make friends and have more fun? If you answered yes to either question, then there is a perfect solution for you: Get involved in the eUS government! We have crucial and invigorating opportunities for all citizens, regardless of level, skill set, or past felonies. You could be a persuasive writer or even a treasurer handling countless amounts of treasure.

Still not convinced? We offer great benefits as well. We provide worker's compensation that will be shipped to your house when pigs fly if you ever burn your hand in a vat of Chinese poison during a military raid. In addition, you get hands on training from the friends you make during your employment in these government opportunities. Here are some interesting testimonials.

"I have been helping new citizens so much through New Citizen Programs so much, I was once called a ‘dingus.’ I just love these new members," said an anonymous DOI worker.

"The eUS staff has worked me so hard that I can't even feel my fingers. I feel so needed!" exclaimed Mrs. Deborah Grunt.

So that is about it. You ready to voyage into a world of new excitement? Fill out this form, and you will be right on your way. Thank you!

‘Til next time, America,

David Landon
Secretary of Media

Gulden Draak
Deputy Secretary of Media

HobbitTon
White House Staff Writer

Kentel
White House Staff Writer