THE X-FILES / ISSUE 02

Day 3,153, 09:49 Published in USA USA by Hadrian X


SECTIONS
I. INTERVIEW/THE LAST BOYSCOUT – Interview with Pfeiffer the Overlord.
II.  FEATURE/WOULD YOU RATHER? – Rotten egg burps or brown fart clouds?  Yep, I asked it.
III.  THIRD BASE (aka THE HOT CORNER) – Joey Potter grew up.
IV.  EDITOR’S NOTES
 


 

I. THE LAST BOYSCOUT
By Hadrian X

Speaker of the House, former el Presidente and USWP overlord Henry Pfeiffer Arundel answers my stupid questions...

Hadrian X:  First off, good to talk to you again Pfeiffer.  It’s been a while.  Miss me much?

Pfeiffer:  Did you go somewhere?

Hadrian X:  How’s ya momma and ‘dem?

Pfeiffer:  Really? You're a Yat now? My family is well. The 'rents just bought their retirement house, so now they're running around like headless chickens planning renovations and all sorts of other stuff.

Hadrian X:  Ok, now that I’m back, please tell me… what happened while I was away?  Y’know, in a nutshell?

Pfeiffer:  A bunch of aimless Romanians continued to insult the intelligence of their customers. We took it, because we're a bunch of sluts.

Hadrian X:  You’re the only Boy Scout I know.  Who is the most famous boy scout ever?

Pfeiffer:  That really depends. I think the most historically 'famous' will end up being Neil Armstrong. He was an Eagle Scout, and continued to give back to the program for years. Other famous Eagles you may know:

Hank Aaron
Michael Bloomberg
Robert Gates
James Lovell
Steven Spielberg
Sam Walton (of Wal-Mart fame)
President Gerald Ford

Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were both Cub Scouts. Presidents Kennedy and Obama were both Boy Scouts for a time.

My personal favorite former Scout is Brigadier General James Maitland Stewart of the United States Air Force. You may know him better as Jimmy Stewart, one of the greatest actors to grace the screen. The man was everything a Scout could and should be. When you start a scout troop, you can't know that one of the boys will grow up to be an Air Force General retiring with four Air Medals and a Distinguished Flying Cross. Or that one of the boys will go on to star in some of the greatest and most long lived films in American cinematic history. Or that those are the same man.

Hadrian X:  Yui MHCP001 was recently re-elected POTUS.  You’ve been critical of Yui, so I want to know, who do you think would be the best candidate to run next month and why?

Pfeiffer:  Best is difficult, because I can't know what position we will be in 25 days from now. Probably you though. If not you, then probably me. 

Hadrian X:  You’re a strong writer and debater, right?  I want you to make a case right now for why “Smoochum” is the BEST Pokemon ever.  Go…

Pfeiffer:  I don't f*ck with those late gen Pokemon. Gen 1 or gtfo.

Hadrian X:  What the hell is going on with holding companies? I’m too lazy to read about all the details.  Explain to me what I should do with my companies so that a four year old could understand.  This shit is hard.

Pfeiffer:  That really depends on how many companies you have. If it's only a few, find a low pollution state and plop them all down. I chose Louisiana for this reason.

Hadrian X:  Which celebrity kid is going to have the more messed up childhood, North West or Suri Cruise – and why?

Pfeiffer:  North West. Both of her parents are psychopathic egomaniacs, whereas Suri has one (the lovely Ms. Holmes) who has found her way out of the darkness and seems to be attempting to give her as normal an upbringing as possible.

Hadrian X:  Who is the biggest turd in eRep history in your book?  What makes this person turd-ier than other really shite contenders?

Pfeiffer:  Turd? I am not sure what exactly that means in this context, but Ajay is always at the top of any 'horrible people' list. If you exclude him, probably jankems for the damage he did to the harmony between politicians and military leaders in the post-Harlot military. NXNW was bad, but jankems was actively harmful in that regard.

Hadrian X:  Hilary Clinton not getting indicted by the Feds for her email server fiasco.  Right call?  Huge mistake?  What’s your take on the whole deal?

Pfeiffer:  Well, technically what we know so far is that the FBI is recommending against an indictment. Prosecutors could move forward anyway, but they won't. As to the correctness of that recommendation, the Director was very clear in his statement that the lack of harmful intent makes a case difficult to build. Is that true? I'm not a lawyer, but many I've spoken with agree with the statement generally. This specific case is a bit politicized to allow for anyone to present a truly unbiased opinion. 

I am of the opinion that she and her staff flagrantly flouted both Federal law and State Department regulations (which Secretary Clinton issued herself). I believe that they, and their predecessors and equivalents in other agencies, should face repercussions for mishandling sensitive materials. If nothing else, a public trial of a prominent figure (it doesn't have to be Secretary Clinton) would throw the issue into stark relief for many people. The systems used to protect and transmit sensitive information are, by and large, out of date. They are cumbersome and in many cases do not meet the needs of a bureaucracy which is only growing more complicated and moving more quickly by the day. Perhaps we would then see those dutiful public servants at the Capitol, Rayburn building, Russell Building, etc. do something to ensure that those who have the largely thankless task of defending the rest of us have the tools necessary to do their job in a timely fashion - without having to risk administrative or criminal penalties for circumventing some security procedures in order to see that sensitive information can get where it is needed quickly enough to be useful, and without requiring unnecessarily complicated equipment and systems.

So, while I agree that it would be incredibly difficult to make a case which would result in any meaningful penalty for the Secretary, it does bother me that military officers and other civil servants are regularly reprimanded, terminated, or imprisoned for similar actions. However, that is one of the benefits to being an Original Classification Authority who solely reports to the President.

Hadrian X:  I’ve got an upcoming series of articles on the Power Players in the eUS.  Who are the most powerful and influential eMuricans?  In other words, who should I avoid looking in the eye too long and who can I sucker punch without fear of any serious repercussion?

Pfeiffer:  You can sucker punch whoever you want. Power Player #1 right here has your back.

Though if you want to get some "new to Hadrian" people in your paper. Hit up Wild Owl and Tyler BOOBLAR for sure. Molly Emma would be a solid choice as well.
 
Thanks for your time P!
 


II.  WOULD YOU RATHER…?
…smell horribly of rotten eggs every time you burp or have a brown stink cloud appear around your butt every time you fart?
 
Yui-MHC001: Brown stink cloud.
 
Ilene Dover:  I had Giardia once, in India. That gives you an eggy taste in your mouth every time you burp. No desire to revisit those symptoms again. Purely from the "new experience" list I'll take the brown stink cloud. 

Gnilraps: I'd prefer the former [egg burps].
 
Paul Proteus: God those both sound abysmal. I guess the first one (rotten egg burps) would be less mortifying. Lol
 
Pfeiffer:  Burp.  I don't want a visible cloud around my ass when I fart.
 
Israel Stevens:  Stink cloud I guess.
 
Melissa Rose:  First one but eww! I rarely burp and it seems less gross than a visible brown cloud.  And if no one can see it, you can blame it on someone else.

WINNER – ROTTEN EGG BURPS! (4-3)
 




III. THE HOT CORNER:
In honor of Pfeiffer, who I know is a fan…
 



 
IV. EDITOR’S NOTES:
WINNER of the previous contest and $1,000 USD/cc is GEORGE ARMSTRONG CUSTER.  Congrats old man!
 


NEW CONTEST - Same deal.  WRITE A COMMENT and if it gets the MOST LIKES, I’ll send you a G. Yep, $1,000 USD/cc cold hard eCash that you can spend on whatever your eHeart desires.  Hungry?  Buy some Q7 food and eat like an eKing or eQueen.  Want to blow some stuff up?  Buy a tank or a baker’s dozen of 'em!  Are you smelly and homeless?  Buy yourself a house and wash away that stank.  The choices are endless.  (Not really, you can only buy like eight things.  But at least you’d get them for free.)
 
Thanks for reading and voting my shit up!
 


Margot also says thanks!  Just cuz...
 

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