The United Kingdom of Dioism

Day 870, 23:16 • Published in United Kingdom Pakistan • by Longbaugh


Apparently there is some controversy over Prime Minister GLaDOS' recent executive decision to officially enshrine the glorious United Kingdom under the succulent embrace of the immortal God-Emperor of Pakistan, Dio Brando. Mr Woldy has expressed his displeasure with this as he is a devout follower of some guy named Boblo.

Dioism isn't Theocracy. Theocracy is about the betterment of one's gold portfolio. Dioism is an eternal brotherhood that is only concerned with friendship, peace, and tolerance—the three tenets to Dio's love for us all (unless you're Swedish, Spanish, or American).

Allow me to share with you, my fellow Britons, the epic and ancient truth that is Dioism.

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The Ceremony of /v/irginization

The Rite of Rayt
The ritual begins with a reading of The First Circle, to prepare the untested citizen's mind for the test of their faith. They strip nude (to expose their skin). Then, the untested is smothered in sand from the base of Ketu from head to toe. One of two things will happen; the positive result is they feel a pleasurable tingling on their skin, and the negative result is the gruesome and violent combustion of their body.

The Rite of Baraf
As soon as the untested passes the first test (and only if they pass), the Dioist conducting the ceremony recites The Second Circle to prepare their soul for a test of their ancestry. The naked citizen is promptly covered in snow from the summit of Ketu. Again, one of two things will happen; the positive result is the snow slumping and melting off of the untested, and the negative result is horrific devolution into a Swede (who is then killed on sight).

The Rite of Jawaani
After the untested has proven himself to have the blood of the chosen people, the Dioist conducting the ceremony will then inform him that the president has been kidnapped by ninjas. The conductor will then have the untested complete a game of Bad Dudes without losing any lives to prove his manhood to Dio, as Pakistan has no room for prissy boys. If they are a bad enough dude to save the president, they will have earned the title of /v/irgin, however, if they fail, they will gain the lesser title of GameFAG (who is then deported to the United States).

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The Three Texts

The Book of Dio (shown above)
The Circles of Dio
The Trumpets of Dio

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I invite all of my fellow Britons to read-up and learn about the oldest religion in the New World. Maybe you too can become a real BRO.

As He said unto me, "You have my blessing. Spread the word, spread the joy, spread the love. Dioism will prevail."