The Real Spamicans don't do manifestos
Day 945, 12:01
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Published in United Kingdom 
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by
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by Horice G Fossil
But if they did....
Hi i'm Horice and I AM NOT A LOONY! Why should I be tarred
with the epithet "loony" merely because I have a pet halibut?
I've heard tell that Mr Woldy has a pet prawn called Simon, and
you wouldn't call Woldy loony, would you? Furthermore, johnobrow,
the lady show show jumper, had a clam called Sir Stefford after the
late Chancellor, elbanaan has two pikes, both called Norman, and the
late, great HazzN had a haddock! If you're calling the author of
Erep for crustaceans a loony,I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Anyway down to business if elected i will.....
Get Congress to put the Fun back into the eUK
In a debate, the Spamicans accused Congress of not being silly and
doing nothing Fun.The members accepted this in the spirit of healthy
criticism, but denied that they had ever been naughty with choir boys.
Angry shouts of 'What about the watermelon then?' were ordered
then by the speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown
paper bag in the lavvy.Any further interruptions would be cut up and
distributed amongst the poor. For the Government,a front-bench spokesman
said the Fun level would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit.
Futhermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to eUK citizens,
and a great deal of fun to him,his friends, and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge.
From the back benches there were opposition shoutsof 'Postcards for sale'
and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the Minister Without Portfolio.
Replying, the Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors,
but he and the Dachshund were very happy. And in any case, he argued,
rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?
Put King Stephen Fry back where he belongs!
How the debate has been going on the eUK forums...
King FRY: I am your king.
TUPCP: Well I didn't vote for you.
King FRY: You don't vote for kings.
TUPCP: Well how'd you become king then?
King FRY: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence
that I,Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
TUPCP: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a
system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses,
not from some farcical aquatic ceremony,you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just because some watery tart threw a sword at you,if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor,
just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.
King FRY: Bloody peasant!
TUPCP: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?
That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?
Make Boblism the eUKs official religion
And Saint Rastari raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Boblo, bless this thy hand grenade,
that with it thou mayst blow thine Dionist enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Boblo did grin.
And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and
breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chunks of the finest Spam.And the Lord spake, saying,
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall
be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not
count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Spam towards thy foe, who, being a naughty Dionist in my sight, shall snuff it.
Get some sillyness onto the eUK Forums
There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault
of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane, while others became
sane later in their lives. It is up to people like us, who are out of our tiny minds,
to help them overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways, with ping pong
ball eyes and a funny voice, and then perhaps paint half of your body red and
their other half green, and then stand in a bowl of treacle going "SQWAK SQWAK!"
Finally, you can roll around on the floor going "p'ting p'ting p'ting!"
Get the Top 5 parties to kiss and make up
When asked about this a spokens for the Top 5 said....
"Now, I've noticed a tendency for the Real Spamicans to get rather silly.
Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things
getting silly. Those Spamicans have got very silly indeed, and that last
article about 'EVIL' Keers was even sillier. Now, nobody likes a good laugh
more than I do. Except perhaps my Husband. And some of his friends.
Oh yes, and ... Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more
than I do, but that's beside the point! we just don't like this sort of thing.
Now! Let's have some good clean healthy red tape.Get some good arguments going."
Remove the unelected Senior Committee
Oh, Senior Advisor? Nothing like a Lord eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh
By exploiting the election with mobile voters. By slagging off outdated imperialist
dogma which supposedly perpetuates the economic and social differences in our
society.Then putting yourself on the gravy train as soon as nobody is looking.
Say no more! nudge nudge a nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat! Squire.
Be nice to our fellow Congress members
(Mr Woldy's been enjoying the high life with his fellow Congress members?)
The Real Spamicans would like to apologize for the way in which Congress
are represented in this manifesto.It was never our intention to imply that
politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned
with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems
of government. Nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility
by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that
party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent.
Nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce
of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that readers
should consider them as crabby, ulcerous, little self-seeking vermin with furry legs
and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which
some people might find offensive.
We are sorry if this impression has come across.
they'd probably be the best in the world?
Horice
Hi i'm Horice and I AM NOT A LOONY! Why should I be tarred
with the epithet "loony" merely because I have a pet halibut?
I've heard tell that Mr Woldy has a pet prawn called Simon, and
you wouldn't call Woldy loony, would you? Furthermore, johnobrow,
the lady show show jumper, had a clam called Sir Stefford after the
late Chancellor, elbanaan has two pikes, both called Norman, and the
late, great HazzN had a haddock! If you're calling the author of
Erep for crustaceans a loony,I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Anyway down to business if elected i will.....
Get Congress to put the Fun back into the eUK
In a debate, the Spamicans accused Congress of not being silly and
doing nothing Fun.The members accepted this in the spirit of healthy
criticism, but denied that they had ever been naughty with choir boys.
Angry shouts of 'What about the watermelon then?' were ordered
then by the speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown
paper bag in the lavvy.Any further interruptions would be cut up and
distributed amongst the poor. For the Government,a front-bench spokesman
said the Fun level would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit.
Futhermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to eUK citizens,
and a great deal of fun to him,his friends, and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge.
From the back benches there were opposition shoutsof 'Postcards for sale'
and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor then?' from the Minister Without Portfolio.
Replying, the Shadow Minister said he could no longer deny the rumors,
but he and the Dachshund were very happy. And in any case, he argued,
rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?
Put King Stephen Fry back where he belongs!
How the debate has been going on the eUK forums...
King FRY: I am your king.
TUPCP: Well I didn't vote for you.
King FRY: You don't vote for kings.
TUPCP: Well how'd you become king then?
King FRY: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence
that I,Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
TUPCP: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a
system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses,
not from some farcical aquatic ceremony,you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just because some watery tart threw a sword at you,if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor,
just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.
King FRY: Bloody peasant!
TUPCP: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?
That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn't you?
Make Boblism the eUKs official religion
And Saint Rastari raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Boblo, bless this thy hand grenade,
that with it thou mayst blow thine Dionist enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Boblo did grin.
And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and
breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chunks of the finest Spam.And the Lord spake, saying,
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall
be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not
count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Spam towards thy foe, who, being a naughty Dionist in my sight, shall snuff it.
Get some sillyness onto the eUK Forums
There are a great many people in the country today, who through no fault
of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane, while others became
sane later in their lives. It is up to people like us, who are out of our tiny minds,
to help them overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways, with ping pong
ball eyes and a funny voice, and then perhaps paint half of your body red and
their other half green, and then stand in a bowl of treacle going "SQWAK SQWAK!"
Finally, you can roll around on the floor going "p'ting p'ting p'ting!"
Get the Top 5 parties to kiss and make up
When asked about this a spokens for the Top 5 said....
"Now, I've noticed a tendency for the Real Spamicans to get rather silly.
Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things
getting silly. Those Spamicans have got very silly indeed, and that last
article about 'EVIL' Keers was even sillier. Now, nobody likes a good laugh
more than I do. Except perhaps my Husband. And some of his friends.
Oh yes, and ... Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more
than I do, but that's beside the point! we just don't like this sort of thing.
Now! Let's have some good clean healthy red tape.Get some good arguments going."
Remove the unelected Senior Committee
Oh, Senior Advisor? Nothing like a Lord eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh
By exploiting the election with mobile voters. By slagging off outdated imperialist
dogma which supposedly perpetuates the economic and social differences in our
society.Then putting yourself on the gravy train as soon as nobody is looking.
Say no more! nudge nudge a nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat! Squire.
Be nice to our fellow Congress members
(Mr Woldy's been enjoying the high life with his fellow Congress members?)
The Real Spamicans would like to apologize for the way in which Congress
are represented in this manifesto.It was never our intention to imply that
politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned
with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems
of government. Nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility
by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that
party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent.
Nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce
of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that readers
should consider them as crabby, ulcerous, little self-seeking vermin with furry legs
and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which
some people might find offensive.
We are sorry if this impression has come across.
they'd probably be the best in the world?
Horice
😛
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Comments
I like this guy.
if only I had a gazillion votes to give, I'd give em all to horice
DOWN WITH THE L.O.R.D.S
Always a good read.
For just two pounds a month you can help cure sanity in the eUK.
OHGODNO
Horice for CP \o/
i will actually return to vote
🙂
I like this guy.
Holy Shit! That`s the finest Piece of English I ever saw:
"King FRY: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite
held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence
that I,Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king."
Voted!
A pet?
You told me it was a genetic experiment, gggrr.
And ofc you should be king. There is no nobler knight, no braver soul, no expert in Sellotape like you.
Glory upon you.
May the heavens rain down riches and success.
😘
Horice....Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
@ Mofo Jacx
Not at all. They could be carried.
Horice 😛
This man maketh much sense, I doth declare!
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
HORICE FOR CP \o/
YOU'VE JUST BEEN HORICED.