The Economist ~ Proof Americans have no imagination

Day 793, 09:07 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Spite313


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My fellow Americans,



We are the greatest country ever, but I need your help to make it even better! I know I am facing some stiff competition from people with almost identical manifestos but lets face it you'll vote for whoever looks like they'll make the most lulz anyway. If Uncle Sam can do it I can eh?

I will help us get more players by building hospitals and having taxes. Of course this is a genius idea that nobody has ever thought of before, thanks very much to my colleagues for their dedication in bringing the issue to my attention. To add a little bit of customary silliness to what is actually a pretty good idea I will make the hospitals Q2 so most new players can only fight once. Hopefully this way they'll stay in their home region and fail rather than moving to an already Q5 region.



We all know American troops are the best in the world. Tanking strength 14 field marshals who just happen to be kicking around is our speciality. To prevent the horde of weaklings overrunning the white house and eating my buffet, I have decided to sate them with the promise of war. Since attacking Hungary or Russia will no doubt leave us once again with no gold and a bloody nose I have decided that I will make the cop out promise of invading the UK!

Yes that's right! Fear my wrath redcoats! Even though every US President since July 2009 has promised to teach you Brits a lesson I will be different! I will take London from you and shoot the Queen! I will take all your colgate toothpaste so you're doomed to have bad teeth forever! Your precious tea will be dumped into the Channel and I will take your bowler hats! No mercy for the British! Yeh. So I'm invading. Honestly. Probably. Well probably not, but I'll put it in the national goals cos you know, a three stage national monument looks boring.



I will harness the greatest Spammers and Trolls of our generation and using the pony express vote up their nonsensical drivel in foreign media. This will make our enemies believe that we are erudite and witty, and submit to us out of a sheer sense of inferiority! If this fails we might go so far as to organise a mass messaging campaign against their President! Communication is the sign of a successful country don't you know, and we have to communicate our amazing successes to citizens everywhere!

And don't forget the most important part of my manifesto! Lulz!

If you're not already laughing at the idea of trolling some foreign media, spamming their President or failing to attack their country for a seventh consecutive month you can look forward to other forms of amusement!

We are considering offering 1 gold to the next person who invents an original joke relating in some way to the United Kingdom. We feel that calling them traitors repeatedly is wearing a bit thin considering they have been in another alliance for nearly seven months now, but I'm sure there are lots of other ways to taunt them!

Examples include:

Fail
lololfail
omg britfail
you have bad teeth
your women are ugly
you drink tea
I stand ready to kill redcoats!

We abandoned the "I stand ready to kill redcoats" campaign after one soldier took the message to mean we might actually fight them at some point, and starved to death waiting for the fight button to appear.



OK, most importantly, my CV!

UnderSecretary of the Ministry of Trolling (July-August)- An essential skill for any successful President, trolling was taught to me by the very best there is.

Chief of Staff- practically everyone in the USA seems to be chief of something, but I was in charge of some of our most spectacular failures! This allows me the kind of decision making expertise needed to fail again in the future!

Vice-President (coffee)- As Vice-President (coffee) I acted as refreshments girl during the last major push into Asia, bringing coffee and orange juice (for the under 10s) fighting their way to a historic defeat.



Finally, the Obligatory Latin Phrase. We all know us Americans like to role play we're the new Rome by hyping up our massive connection to ancient and noble civilisations. So I have chosen this little phrase I found on the internet somewhere to be the base-line of my campaign:

Nolo Contendere

In American that means 'no contest' or 'I don't want to contend'. I think this is particularly appropriate since although most of you probably do want to contend we all know I won't let it happen.


PEACE OUT AMERICA, LET'S KICK SOME BRIT BEHIND!




LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!ON EONE!



Vote [insert name here] for President of the USA 5th February