Sweden-Lithuania conflict intensifies as Swedish polar bears enter war

Day 2,113, 20:52 • Published in Sweden Sweden • by Kauge

ÖREBRO — Sweden's ongoing war with Lithuania in order to take back the conquered regions entered a new and dangerous phase today as hundreds of thousands of bloodthirsty polar bears (you know, the one's who roam the streets of Sweden) reportedly returned to the conquered country when the news of new attacks arrived at their summer lairs, charging from city to city, region to region, on a murderous rampage.

Terrified witnesses confirmed that a lot of Lithuanian soldiers have been dragged from their bases by their necks, torn limb from limb, and had their intestines feasted upon by hordes of these vicious white bears.

"It's horrible! We thought the violence of these wars couldn't possibly get any worse, and then all of a sudden the streets were crawling with ferocious polar bears again, thrashing every Lithuanian soldier in sight," said Swedish commander FuzzX, wearing a bandage diagonally around his head, covering one of the eyes that supposedly got injured by a misunderstanding polar bear earlier in the day. "I saw Lithuanian commanders directing their soldiers to shoot them on sight, but each bear takes so many bullets to kill and when one finally goes down three more fill in to take its place!"

"Though I feel relieved that they seem to be at our side, we have to watch our back," he continued. "Because they're everywhere, they're extremely angry and probably have a craving for potato stinking soldiers."

Reports indicate that numerous types of polar bears have taken up positions in Sweden's shelled-out towns and cities, many of which are said to appear bright red as their coats have been stained with human blood.

Lithuania's hospitals, already overwhelmed with casualties from the near-daily sniper and mortar fire, have reportedly found themselves struggling to keep up with a sudden rush of innumerable and severe bear maulings and bear bites. Even the emergency food rations, replenished by several humanitarian agencies like The Cred Ross, Pancakes for Peace and Doctors with Borders, are said to have been scavenged by these bears, who can consume over a hundred pounds of food or flesh per day.

"Before, all we had to worry about were brutes and bombings, but now it's brutes, bombings, and bears," an Örebro resident told Asgardkuriren, "I just hope that the Dalahäst and the Storsjöodjuret doesn't get the same idea!" She also said that, like most Swedes, she avoids walking the streets that now has been showered with rubble, body parts, and bear poop.

No one can tell what will happen when the Lithuanian soldier count reaches zero. But seeing as these bears are a natural part of the Swedish streets and that not one Swede therefor has been a victim of a bear attack, the Swedes can now rest assured that they've found a valuable ally in polar bears in times of trouble and strife.