Snakes Used in eBe Military - Government Poisons eBelgian Food

Day 2,186, 02:38 • Published in Belgium United Kingdom • by NLSP
Editorial

Dear reader,
for you we went undercover in the eBelgian government and found some disgusting facts. Our reports have received threats not to publish the scandal they uncovered, but we wouldn't be eBelgian's most reliable and trust worthy newspaper if we would give in. Our independent stance, brought to us by our first editor, the great NLSP, has given us very unusual sources and opened doors, you wouldn't have expected. This made it possible to talk to a snake-breeder and give you the second story of this edition. We know you will be very interested in this, and as you all should know: there are Party President Elections, so do your democratic duty and vote for the most capable and reliable candidate.

Keyser Söze, Editor for The Weekly Prophet.
Honouring our glorious founder, NLSP, since 2010.


CP/vCP-Jacuzzi responsible for environment and food pollution
It was for some time already a public secret that the upper echelons of the eBelgian government are having a luxury and decadent life-style on the tax payer's dime. Due to a secret agreement with eRepublik Labs Ltd., 47.3% of the eBelgian taxes do not appear in the state treasury but go directly to the pockets of a dangerous creature of the eBelgian underworld, a certain unidentified financial whiz-kid. The only things that is known about him, is that he has a swimming pool filled with cc and gold, acts under the pseudonym of Kim Jof Un and claims to be the love child of Kim Jong-il and Margaret Thatcher.
One third of that amount, is being used to stimulate young, innocent players to buy gold, with daddy's company MasterCard. Another third, sticks to the hand of this young mastermind. The last third is transferred to the current CP to finance the huge amounts of caviar, oysters, premium vodka, bottles champagne and escorts that are being consumed on a daily basis by the leaders of this country.
This does not really come as a surprise for most of our readers, since we all are aware of the many extravagances and the debauchery they commit. What is more surprising is the story of the CP/vCP-Jacuzzi. Part of these embezzled fund were used some months ago, to build a golden, spacious, 8-person Jacuzzi for the CP/vCP, containing a fridge and a staff of 8 (4 male, 4 female) to serve the CP, the vCP and their guests. However, this Jacuzzi is being used SO much, by all these unclean, dirty, foul smelling, conspiring eBelgian underworld figures, that the water needs to be replaced every two weeks, despite using non-stop high-end filter systems. That water and the garbage from these filters are classified as highly toxic, chemical reactive, carcinogenic, mutant-inducing and water poisoning.
Normally, this has to be processed adequately and then transferred to a regulated disposal site. But this government has decided that this would cost too much and would limit their white truffle and foie gras consumption. Therefore it is now sold as fertiliser to eBelgium's farmers. Rumours goes that 78% of all eBelgian vegetables are now contaminated. Luckily for our government, their breakfasts, lunches and dinners only use the best quality, not toxic ingredients, imported from other nations. The Weekly Prophet advises you, in the Honour of our Glorious Founder, NLSP, to protect yourself by refraining to eat any vegetables and keep to a meat-only diet. (rk)


Local Snake Breeder Delivers Military Snakes
Not that long ago, our national army got a new commander, who is extremely ambitious. His goal to make the eBelgian Military the strongest in the eWorld has lead him to start a new project together with an eBelgian entrepreneur. This known figure in the eBelgian society, who does not want to be named for legal reasons, told us all about it. His hobby of breeding snakes, was very interesting for the BNA-leadership. They would love to have loyal snakes, who can operate both in eBelgium and in war zones, without being detected. The snakes are bred to follow orders precisely, only biting/strangling the assigned victims and to stay undetected for weeks. Due to a large assortment of snakes (small/large, land/water, ...) there would be a fitting snake for each objective.
The BNA-Commander, a known Parselmouth, thinks that the snakes can be used for covert assassin operations, search and rescue operations, to work in protective details, to scout and infiltrate hostile environments, to deliver confidential messages and much more. However, rumors goes that inside the ranks of the BNA, the common soldiers are not so enthusiastic. They have had meetings with their union-representatives and are afraid that their job will be less adventurous. The Weekly Prophet advises you, in Honour of our Glorious Founder, NLSP, to be careful what you say and do when there is a snake around, cause it could be one of the BNA's newest Military Snakes. (rk)