Join the new world

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?


I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.


Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'


If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?


We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.


Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.


No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.


The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'
She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'


Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean.
Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.


You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.






Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.


You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.


If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.


We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.


Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.


What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.


The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.


I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up.
I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.


Reality: What a concept!


The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.


You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.


Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.


I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.





Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.


Comedy is acting out optimism.


Carpe per diem - seize the check.


I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.


I only ever play Vegas one night at a time.


In America they really do mythologise people when they die.


When in doubt, go for the dick joke.


Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.


I love kids, but they are a tough audience.


I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.


The idea of having a steady job is appealing.