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SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that
there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course.

Then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a
couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent ”

---

I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"



SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!!”

---

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, Oysters and BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell..

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, ....................'I just want the bastard who pushed me in.'

---

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table..
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET

---

Police in Leeds today pulled over a Pakistani and were amazed
to find that the car was taxed and insured and was not stolen.

There was no bomb or weapon in the car, nor was it an illegal taxi.

The driver was not drunk or stoned and carried a full driving licence with no points.

A Police spokesman said they had no choice other than to fine the driver £80 for wasting Police time.