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In my last article, I placed a challenge to all my readers, and I knew both of them would love to hear all about it. Our pathological protozoa Paul Proteus commented first, asking me the following;



Now, Paul "Possibly a Popsicle" Proteus and I go way back. We were in grade school together, if by grade school you mean we sorta commented on eachother's articles with vague references to dick.


No, not that kind of Dick.

But when he asked me to describe Maritime Law in crippling detail, I'll admit, I was a little put off by his arrogance. Here he was, coming back into my life, going straight for the stuff about seamen? Like nothing ever happened? Whatever, he may have forgotten, but I vaguely remember some things most of time.

Anyway, here goes:

Maritime Law is the set of rules pertaining to conduct on the seas and oceans of Earth, and sometimes Uranus.


No, not that kind of anus.

These set of rules were first etched into a stone tablet on the shores of Crete by Sir John Maritime, hero of the Ionian Islands and verified master of sealife. It was told he could talk to dolphins, or at least convince them to do weird things with their blowhole in the back of his sedan.

John Maritime created the laws to ensure safety and security on the high seas, while the low seas were subject to a policy of "Them? F*ck them". These laws have remained the basis of all of our laws since, when they pertain to the ocean. Sea World actually has a plaque dedicated to John Maritime, who, in his original draft of the Maritime manifesto, included a clause that said that all facilities in which sea animals were kept could be treated as an embassy of the Ocean, and thereby independent from the host country. This clause led to the unfortunate Incident of Lake Eerie in which thirty sick kittens were drowned as a part of a cult ritual. The men responsible were not tried for their crimes, but tourism in Lake Eerie suddenly dropped off, for unknown reasons. It was hither-forth known as the Catastrophe of Lake Eerie, by various assholes since then.

Some of the initial laws in the first edition of Maritime were as follows; (Be aware, the original draft is very old, and some parts have either been lost in translation, or poorly copied from the original document)

Section #4, Clause #3
If one ship approaches another, and the aforementioned ship refuses to "get jiggy with it", the latter ship is obligated to take its women and children hostage, probably forever.

Section #7, Potato #6
A captain must make sure his cannons are visibly displayed, lest he invoke the wrath of the Sea Police, which is a real thing that I did not make up.

Section #7, Clause #7
Establish a Sea Police ASAP.

Section #16, Byline #2
Every week there will be a holiday hereby known as...Saurkraut Sunday? F*ck it why not.

Section #85, Senegal? Maybe? #45
No one will ever make it here. I can write whatever I want. All captains must pay a tax of three concubines made out to the personal bedsheets of John Maritime. Damn, John, you're good, they should name a day after you.

Section #86
July 12th is international John "Man 'O War" Maritime Day.

Section #64
All toothpaste must be scientifically proven otherwise nothing is certain.
Editor's Note: Yeah, I don't know either.

Section #145
Is anybody really reading this anymore? PENIS?! ANYONE?!

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So, that covers the basics of Maritime Law. PM me for a private lesson, because sexy.

Your brave lion bro,
Aeroner