Know Your Enemy: The Irishman

Day 729, 23:53 • Published in USA USA • by Hari Michaelson
---Letter-From-The-Editor---

Oh, me feckin' liver's actin' up agayn. That and I got a wee bit o' tha consumption.

That be all.

-Editor-on-the-Edge-
-Hari Michaelson
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A Handy Guide

In today's installment of Know Your Enemy, we'll be looking at one of the most underestimated beasts in the New Worl😛 The Irishman.


A deadly, if adorable, foe.

Strengths: Your average Irishman has undergone 3 highly intense and invasive surgeries in order to have his liver replaced, in addition to undergoing a standard 4 year session of dental surgery due to bar-fight-related dental issues. As such, they are highly resistant to most forms of knock-out gas as well as most forms of pain. Combined with their hereditary BAC of .40, this results in an enemy who will only notice an injury after it results in their death. Additionally, it is Irish Law that all Irishmen be either 6' 7" and wide as two majestic Oaks, or 2' 2" and a Leprechaun.



Choose wisely.

Weaponry: The Irish army it outfitted with a staggering array of dangerous weaponry. And while broken beer bottles, potato cannons, and good 'ole fists are indeed frightening, nothing is more dangerous than an Irish soldier equipped with the National Weapon of Irelan😛

The Shillelagh
AKA beating stick

The last sight of many an unprepared recruit.

Weaknesses: Interestingly enough, one of the Irishman's strongest assets, his liver-surgery-induced resistance to pain, is also his greatest weaknesses. For you see, no matter which number liver he has, you can rest assured that the liver in question is in a state of borderline-failure. A solid punch to this region will render even the most irate of Irishmen stunned. Additionally, 85% of the Irish Army is currently stricken with consumption, rendering their lungs weak and confining them to short bursts of activity. If all else fails, rely on the power of UV light to prey upon the naturally fair complexion of these red-headed foes.


WARNING: THIS TACTIC IS WORTHLESS WHEN CONFRONTED WITH &quot😉AYWALKER" PLATOONS!

Kill-O-Meter Rating: 4-leaf-clover made out of blades/10
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The Muckraker: God I hope the Irish have a sense of humor.