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How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Glove

This is American Idol!

Ten thousand shouts to the people's champion, Civil Anarchy, for putting this contest together. Also a cromagnonly chut-bump to Good Chutley for having a very Serious Thought: encouraging writers to support each other by including a section at the end of their articles promoting other's writing. That really is bad ass, citizen Chutley!



Best of luck to all of the contestants.

Dear reader, you can win right now by subscribing to all of their papers!...
Mr. Peanuts, a promising new writer
josh whitehead, a famous radio host who may or may not also be an ewok
Jason Welsh, head of the UIP's Independent Writers Association, Jason delivers the world's media to your virtual doorstep
Daniel Roman4 is a classy writer who's been focussing on interviews
Gnilraps burst onto the media with 16 Shells and now writes one of the best party papers going, the Federalist Focus
George Armstrong Custer is, quite simply, an f'ing legend
xRoWx Triggers is a master of brief, pithy observations. Basically, he's the anti-PQ. LOL
Alexander_Auctoritas, whose daily news round-ups are on my "must read daily" list

And then there's me...


Yeah, my writing's a mixed bag. Some people like it. Others not so much. You be the judge.


Now, the topic is something like "who should be the next POTUS and why". Fair 'nuff. Maybe I'll say something that will help you to make up your mind.

You know... Glove is Love. Pfeiffer's a cipher. Nicholas Ryan might be lyin'. Chutley, Chutly, quite abruptly, interrupted my train of thought. DanielCD... lolwut?

Stuff like that.

But how boring would that be? Maybe I'll ponder a bit instead on the fine art of disobeying. Yeah. That's the ticket.

Hrrmmm...

POTUS, my ass! Here, vote this you flubdub-flapdoodle mollycoddling two-bit wannabe shyster-politicians...

Oh. No. Don't wanna be rude.

Hmmm...




OK. Got it!

Forget voting. Voting is for suckers.

Let's assume you have higher aims. Let's say you are supporting a POTUS candidate because you want to get an executive position. Why? Who cares! Because you want to put all sorts of high-falutin' crapola on your signature in some forum or another. Whatever. It's just a game.

Anyway, once you get in, Very Important People will tell you how important it is to work like a dog and do all sorts of tricks in order to please the President.



No.



What you need to learn is...


Mastering the Art of Disobeying


This is a three-legged stool, my padawans...


Leg 1: Wrong Obeying

This is accomplished through the persistent practice of the twin arts of Steadfast Misreckoning and Stinky Listening.

For example, the exalted President has told you to write a WHPR article on our affairs with Brazil. So you dutifully pump out a shocking piece -- along with some racy pictures -- on how the President has been having a slightly untoward affair with Miss Brazil, who may or may not actually be Mister Brazil.

See how easy it is? The President will praise you for the skyrocketing subscription rate to the government press and forget all about whatever all that diplomatic hoo-ha was.


Leg 2: Bedeviling Controversion

Over at the Socialist Freedom Party's Robert Bayer School for Higher Disputation, we have special night classes to teach this important life skill.

Presidents hate to talk about their orders; they just want to see them carried out. You can get the best of these executive creatures by discussing its orders until it's attention span snaps like a twig. Caution: this delicate process must be done delicately. Many a McCravok has gone away bruised after raising the creature's hackles.

The proper procedure goes something like this: "Oh, what a most wonderful idea you've had, my gracious Lord! But how am I to achieve these wondrous results when the budget for such things has been assigned to that mishugina Crapowitz and his lazocratic band of jerk-offs? Great One, shall I take care of this matter for you by contacting Crapowitz and asking him to write up a detailed review of his operational initiatives?" And so on.

Avoid actually disagreeing with the President. Bedevil with disputation, that's the ticket. They love disputes, but they hate disagreeing. (Gnilraps, are you listening?)


Leg 3: Nonobeying

The most difficult and highest of the Arts. Simply meet the order with Nothingness.

No argument. No dispute. Nothing at all.

If you must use words, then remember those of the great master Melville's Bartleby: "I would prefer not to." Then do as you please.

If asked if you have carried out the order, the proper response is: "Not yet."

And if the Powerful One asks why, say: "I have been doing other things."

And if he wants to know when it will get done, then answer truthfully: "As soon as possible, my lord." You need not mention that you believe the doing of it to be impossible.

And so time will pass and eventually the President will forget about what he asked you to do. Because, after all, he's busy.






May you live to be a hundred, and me a hundred minus a day, so I'll never know good people like you have passed away.

Peace, love, truth and soul,

PQ