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GOOOOD MOOORNIIINNGG!! This is Kyouko, yamabito from Gensokyo.

So, as many of you may know, I was banned some time ago, and my old newspaper (here LINK) only contained a lonely introduction page. Now that I have a pretty good account (which means, Plato don't have a reason to ban me now) I think I can start a new newspaper series. Maybe this time more for Touhou fans. As you may know, NicoNico Douga recently let people log in using Facebook, and thus it's easier for people to access. I might as well start up a weekly newspaper that focuses on the top 10 Touhou videos on there, explain some of the memes, and so on. For each of the video, there will be a comment section, a for non-Japanese speaker section, and a content section. If the plot is easily understandable when a little hint is given, then I will mostly translate the content. If no, then I will say something along the lines of "this video is funny even for those who doesn't know Japanese", or "this plot is very thick and you won't understand a thing if you don't know Japanese" in the "for non-Japanese speaker" section. Oh and, click on the ranking pic to go to the video page.

So, let's not waste time and actually get going, shall we?

NICO NICO DOUGA
WEEKLY GRAND RANKING
TOUHOU DEPARTMENT
VOLUME #1
2013-05-13 ~ 2013-05-20

Your guide to reading the ranking picture



#10



Title: 絶対に許さくや
Translation: Absolutely not going to "forgive-kuya"
*"forgive-kuya": 許さくや, Word play on 許さない "doesn't forgive" and さくや "Sakuya". It's like me yelling "All ya echouko belongs to meh!!". ("echo" and "Kyouko")

Comment:
This video was uploaded on 9th March, 2011. It is brought back from the netherworld because of another new video's popularity, that is, the #2 this week. It had been #1 for quite some time when 10D was announced. See #2 for more details.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
See below; full plot is there. I won't spoil the ending, but it's quite obvious. There is a meme in Japanese for that (usually used in tags): 予測可能回避不可能, lit. You CAN predict it but you CAN'T avoid it. The meaning is that, the irony/pun/meme is predictable, but when it happens you cannot do a thing but to laugh uncontrollably.

Content:
One day Remilia tells Sakuya that "this time there will be 3 player characters". Turns out to be ye olde Red-White Black-White combo and Sanae Kochiya. (UFO)
Another day Remilia tells Sakuya that "this time there will be 1 player character that is popular and from EoSD". Turns out to be Cirno. (GFW)
Sakuya is sad and goes to a pub. Lucifel from the popular game (meme-wise) El Shaddai has a drink with her and the next thing Sakuya knows is that they are now in a motel room. Lucifel wants to do pervert things, when suddenly Youmu appears and knock Lucifel out. Youmu shows the Touhou popularity contest data that Sakuya is #2. Youmu comforts Sakuya that not being playable character isn't something big.
And now... Remilia tells Sakuya that "this time other than those 3, one more shall be player character". What happens next!! *wink wink*

#9



Title: 【超次元MMDドラマ】ゲンソウイレブン #04(風神録編)【東方+イナイレ】
Translation: {Extra-dimensional MMD Drama} GENSOU ELEVEN #04(MoF Arc) {Touhou+Inaire}
*MM😨 Miku Miku Dance, a popular software for creating 3D animation. I used it just once and found it extremely confusing, not knowing Japanese and all.
*Inaire: Abbr of Inazuma Eleven

Comment:
I never knew that there was this series going on.. It's really hilarious. It's mainly a show just for the lulz, but I guess the lulz is what makes a good video.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
Just sit back and enjoy the show. The name of the moves, some of them are in English, but you won't be able to understand it as it is spoken in Japanese-style English. For example, that mountain of Kanako, the name of the move is "The Mountain", but I bet all you can get out is "ZA MANTEN".

Content:
So, a fake Sanae visits Moriya Shrine. After some chaos going on, they started a soccer competition. Reimu/Marisa/Alice/SANAE(fake) vs. Suwako/Kanako/Aya/Sanae(real). And Hatate is the commentator. "First to goal wins the match, I want to go home," says Hatate. And so the crazy soccer match begins...

#8



Title: 東方手描き「あやれいむ新婚劇場①」
Translation: Touhou Hand-drawn "Aya-Reimu Wedding Live (1)"

Comment:
Plain cuteness. Pure yuri love. I am nosebleeding.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
Well, for cute manga-style AyaReimu couple, watch it, don't hasitate. If you don't know Japanese, you can hardly understand it. I barely can. Oh and, there isn't anything that is wedding-related.

Content:
Just a happy Reimu and a happy Aya chillin' together.

#7



Title: 【東方】東方をスパロボ風のゲームにしてみた　その８【スパロボ】
Translation: {Touhou} Look, I made Touhou into a SUPAROBO-type game. Part 8. {SUPAROBO}
*Look, I did something: My interpretation of ○○○○○○てみた. It doesn't sound so ego when in Japanese, but meh, I don't know any phrasing that can make it better.
*SUPAROBO: Super Robot Wars

Comment:
So this game is popular? I don't know. I don't know how it got to the top 10 list. Maybe it's the thumbnail's fault. DAT CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNN!!!!

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
I don't know, maybe you should wait for the translation team to do their work, then play the game instead?
(As I mostly play doujin games that is in Japanese or translated by Chinese fans, I don't really know what website you go if you want to download games. For starters, the series's name is "幻想少女大戦" and the game's name is "幻想少女大戦永". Good luck Googling that. Maybe you should try "幻想少女大戦妖" (their last installment) instead though, as this game doesn't even have it's trial version out yet.)

Content:
Introduction of the circle's new game.
*circle: Group of people (doesn't matter if it consists of 1 or 1000 members). For instance, IOSYS is a circle, Area-Zero is a circle, Shanghai Alice is a circle.

#6



Title: 華扇の部屋
Translation: Kasen's Room
*徹子の部屋: Tetsuko's Room, a very long-life (1976~now, 9032 episodes) variety show. Featuring Tetsuko. So of course Kasen's Room would feature Kasen Ibaraki.

Comment:
I have seen this.. stuff on the ranking for a long time (well, a month). It's super popular! I thought it was a Touhou talk show (and therefore I wouldn't understand) so I never watched this. It's very hilarious. Even when I can't understand the pun itself, the scrolling "wwwwww" on screen meant I have to laugh so I did.
*wwwwww: Abbr of WaraWaraWaraEtc, lit. LaughLaughLaughEtc, which means something like lolololol.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
I can understand 70% of them. For non-speakers, turn to #5.

Content:
Basically, the maker just throws puns everywhere and use the good ol' "speed it up so it's more unpredictable" trick.
And when I said "puns everywhere" I literally meant it.

#5



Title: 動くこぁ
Translation: Moving Koa
*Koa: Koakuma's nickname, if you will.

Comment:
Um, just watch and behold, then you will understand. It got to top #5 with a good reason.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
There is no Japanese in this video!

Content:
Test of "E-Mote", a pseudo-3D animation maker, or something like that.

#4



Title: 【東方手書き】ハートキャッチ守矢
Translation: {Touhou Hand-Drawn} Heart-Catch Moriya

Comment:
Funny for those who know Japanese.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
Just insert your favourite memes everywhere.

Content:
One day, the 3 goddesses of Moriya Shrine want a slogan. Um, I think I will just spoil the last (agreed by everyone) one. SPOILER ALERT "It's okay even if you don't trust us. Doubt us."
Oh, and 3:30 says, "so, where is this going to go?"

#3



Title: しゃいにんぐ東方(甘口)
Translation: Shining Touhou (Sweet)

Comment:
This one became popular after the Spicy one (#1) becomes so. Both videos are uploaded by the same person on the same day. Last week, Spicy was #2. It's a very sweet story, and everything connects back together. See #1 for more stuff from the same content producer.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
Plot is below, but you better watch the video. It isn't my work after all. I am just your helpful guide to Nico Nico Douga Touhou Department.

Content:
0:15 Satori goes to Hakurei shrine. She tastes the koucha (red tea) by Reimu and think that it tastes bad.
0:47 In SDM (Scarlet Devil Mansion), Sakuya is happy to work for Remilia. She works so hard that Patchy has to ask why, only to see Sakuya shines very bright.
1:19 Flan says she is bored. Meiling gives her toys. Flan starts destroying everything happily.
1:52 Alice expresses her love and dedication to her dolls. And beats Cirno up for interrupting.
2:25 Alice comes to SDM to deliver an ordered doll. Meiling says that it is used for Flan's toy and Flan adds that she destroys them.
2:58 Alice is angry, while Marisa teaches Flan that she shouldn't destroy stuff. Flan says that it's the same with bubble wrap. Marisa agrees.
3:30 Alice makes Meiling promise that the new doll won't be broken. The doll can actually do a lot of things, and is very useful. But in order for the doll to do that, Alice took out the laser firing mechanism.
4:02 The doll is very very helpful. Flan says that the doll is hers, but Patchouli and Meiling defend by saying it's Remilia's doll.
4:35 Remilia asks Meiling to dismiss the doll because of... you'll have to see for yourself.
The rest is pretty understandable without translation so I guess I should leave it as it is.

#2



Title: 絶対に許さくや２
Translation: Absolutely not going to "forgive-kuya" 2

Comment:
Sakuya-san!!!! Congratz on becoming player character in th14!!!
For the record, the nickname of Sakuya's option in PCB, マジカル☆さくやちゃんスター (lit. Magical☆Sakuya-chan Star), can be dated back to 8th Jan, 2005, according to this article on NicoPedia.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
So, there's no Japanese this time, except maybe ZUN's blog. One thing you should understand is that Reimu, Marisa and Sakuya will be the 3 player characters.

Content:
0:10 Sakuya's option appears out of nowhere. Sakuya then surfs online to find ZUN's blog. And yay, player character!
0:59 If anyone know which meme that post belongs to, PM me. I am going mad to not know some meme that apparently everyone else knows. There is even danmaku going on.
1:25 So, it's Youmu's turn. There's nothi
WAIT THERE IS NO JAPANESE IN THE WHOLE FRICKIN VIDEO, WHAT AM I DOING!!! Sorry, I am getting occupational disease from this.

#1



Title: しゃいにんぐ東方(辛口)
Translation: Shining Touhou (Spicy)

Comment:
Everyone's favourite random everything that tries it's best to crack you up. It's just too.. random.

For Non-Japanese Speakers:
The parts that may confuse you is listed below.

Content:
3:04 It's Ice Sign "Icicle Fall -Easy-", in which if the player stands right in front of Cirno, she wouldn't get hit.
3:39 "So you are weak to sun?" "Yep!" *smiles like the sun*
4:09 Eirin can't help because she is pantsu too.
4:44 Looks like Torchic, written on body is "Charizard", the sound effect says "Pikachu", the speech bubble says "Piplup", then the arrow says "Mewtwo".
4:54 Sakuya yells, "PLAYER CHARACTER!!!"
5:01 The pantsu incident is caused by Sanae.
6:01 Curse vs Luck. Marisa then does the omijiku thing (the wiki is all about the Chinese type though), and gets matsukichi. It's the worst kind of luck, or in other word, the smallest positive outcome.

Afterwords

This.. actually took longer than I thought. Maybe next time I will only do top #5 or select those that I think would be interesting. Alright then, until next time!

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