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Field Guide to Spotting Pizza-Republicans in the Wild





Here is a field-guide for spotting the wild beast known colloquially as "Pizza-Republicans". (Latin name: Offa Ignoramus)

Experienced Pizza-Republican spotters know, of course, that the Pizza-Republican Party is their natural habitat. But readers may be intrigued to know that they can also be spotted in other venues.

Sometimes this wild animal is easy to spot because you can hear them muttering Hungarian phrases. Like when their PTO plots have been foiled, you might hear them grunt something like "Az Isten faszát!".

But going by their level of mastery of Hungarian curses will reward you only with the most obvious spottings. Pizza-Republicans have been known to leave their natural habitat and even to inter-marry with other species! There are also quite a few sub-species of Pizza-Republican, as well as various types of Pizza-Republican clones and hangers-on.

So without further ado, here is a Field Guide to Spotting Pizza-Republicans in the Wild. Use it only for good!


The Educated Pizza-Republican



These are the rarest of all. Occasionally you will run into one in public. This breed is the cleverest of the Offa Ignoramus. They have memorized everything there is to know about Pizza-ism.

What to remember when spotting them:
Anyone with the internet and 5 minutes can find something that thoroughly discredits their version of the "facts". Even when confronted with contradictory facts though they will continue to fall back on their original arguments, try to change the subject to something they are more comfortable talking about, or start expressing opinions with no factual merit.

What to do if you encounter one:
Keep them on-topic. Don't let them ignore your counter-points and then change the subject on you. They're masters of that, but if you can keep them on topic eventually they will just start expressing opinions to which you can say "do you have any facts to back that up?"


Faux News and Squawk-Box Pizza-Republicans



Caution! This group of Pizza-Republicans is quick to anger. They are addicted to Pizza-sponsored propaganda streams and have been brainwashed to think it makes them an expert on various topics. The only knowledge they have, sadly, is parroted talking points. When you defeat them in debate it will result in them shouting words like "Liberal", or "commie" or "socialist" or "baby-killer" etc. etc. ad nauseum like they have Tourette's Syndrome. They've been conditioned to believe you are trying to steal their wallet.

What to remember when spotting them:
Remember that they haven't the foggiest idea what they're talking about. They're just repeating phrases. They don't have a clue what the word "liberal" means and don't know the first thing about labor history or the history of freedom struggles. Try not to laugh out loud when they call you a sheep but then expect you to blindly believe everything you're told on Pizza Radio, without question.

What to do if you encounter one:
Keep demanding facts from them to back up their assertions. Remember that they will break down and start calling you names. Ask them to name specific freedoms that have been taken away from them. They have a tendency to become violent so watch their hands if you encounter them face to face.


Voice-of-God Pizza-Republicans



These Pizza-Republicans are delusional. They claim to have a hotline from an invisible man in the sky. Despite the fact that the founders of most religions opposed unfettered capitalism and violence, they think assault weapons are for hunting and they support every war no matter how disgusting its purpose. They sincerely believe that the man in the sky loves them more than anyone else in the multiverse. They hate everyone that doesn't agree with them and condemn whole swaths of people for being slightly different from them.

What to remember when spotting them:
Be careful. Remember that they will do terrible things in the name of their man in the sky. They think that anyone that doesn't agree with them in every detail hates America. They will never admit that e-Americans really do believe in religious freedom and freedom from religious persecution.

What to do if you encounter one:
Start asking them questions like "How would Jeezub feel about an unjust war?", or "Do you REALLY think that e-America is Your Man's favorite country in the ENTIRE universe?". If their response is utterly inane, then walk away because continuing to talk to them is a waste of time and they might snap.


Pizza-Wannabe Pizza-Republicans



This silly sub-species of Offa Ignoramus are a dumbed-down combination of the previous 2 groups. They think Pizza the Hut is intelligent and it's the Liberal Media that makes him sound so stupid. If you talk with them about RL stuff, they think Reagan was fiscally Conservative even though he tripled the deficit. They are often addicted to Faux News. They protest higher taxes even when taxes have been reduced.

What to remember when spotting them:
They parrot Pizza the Hut's talking points. When you discredit one they immediately move on to the next subject. Anyone that doesn't agree with them is a socialist, even though they can't give you the actual definition of socialism. Many of them participate in programs like government weapons distributions while protesting "socialism". They've never met an actual socialist, so they have no earthly clue what socialists believe. They think liberals are socialists and that socialists are Nazis.

What to do if you encounter one:
They have no idea what they're talking about. Ask them to prove what they are saying. If you ask them a question and they respond with a question refuse to answer their question until they answer yours. Don't back down. If spotted in a public venue be careful because they are known to carry guns in places they don't need them, like public parks and bars and churches. Luckily their aim is usually way off.


Paranoid Pizza-Republicans



The paranoids think that US Workers Party is a Chinese front-group and that the UIP is a sado-masochism cult. No matter how much evidence you present them to the contrary, they will continue to insist that the USWP is creature of Beijing and that the UIP forces everybody to wear leather while playing eRepublik. They are sore-losers because Pizza the Hut gets ostracized in Congress and they will never support Civil Anarchy, even if he launched the biggest baby boom in eUS history.

What to remember when spotting them:
They think that USWP are socialists, that the Federalists are socialists, that the ADTP are socialists, that S.E.E.S. are commu-nazis, and that the UIP are leather-socialists. They don't have much to say about the SFP because the idea of people actually being socialists is incomprehensible to them.

What to do if you encounter one:
Don't waste your time. You could wave the ADTP's program for free market economics in their face and they would still say it's a fake. They are sore-losers and they will never be happy as long as Pizza the Hut is not President. Make jokes asking to see their birth certificates to prove that they are e-Americans. Say something in Hungarian and watch their eyes to see if they respond. This is the best way to get them to go away.


Racist Pizza-Republicans (Pizza-Nazis)



IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Very few Pizza-Republicans are racists. Only a tiny percentage of Pizza-Republicans are ACTUALLY racist, but they do exist. This is a small group who affiliate themselves with the Pizza-Republicans for their own nefarious purposes. Pizza-Nazis believe that anyone who doesn't look exactly like them or who doesn't have an Anglo-type name is a terrorist.

What to remember when spotting them:
They're racist, but accuse others of being racist. They can't understand why people call them racists when they post racist pictures or racist comments and then claim not to be racist. Whenever they possibly can they will call you a racist, to hide the fact that they are actually racists.

What to do if you encounter one:
They're uneducated bigots. You would have a much easier time convincing an apple tree to start growing oranges. If you are so inclined, the best thing is probably bopping them on the head with a stupid stick. Otherwise, don't engage them, just report them.


Extremely Idiotic Pizza-Republicans



This sub-group are Pizza-Republicans or Pizza-Republican clones because they think it's cool. They have terrible spelling and grammar and often have difficulty grasping basic logical fallacies, but they expect you to believe whatever they say because they are saying it to you.

What to remember when spotting them:
It's hard to tell if they ever made it past the 4th grade. Some may actually be in the 4th grade. Most of their posts are illegible. The don't know anything about their position other than what they've heard someone else say. They think that someone is fiscally responsible because they say they are, but don't have a clue how to read a financial report. They call anyone that doesn't agree with them sheep. They ignore all historical information that is contradictory to what they say. They are 100% blind to facts.

What to do if you encounter one:
In most cases, no amount of facts or logic will ever convince them that their role models are wrong. You could be a college professor in economics and they will still think that your opinion isn't credible. If it quickly becomes evident that their stupidity is impenetrable, then try explaining Algebra to your dog because it will be much more productive.


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Well, that's it. Happy spotting!