Don't Eat The Yellow (Journalism)

Day 1,694, 21:55 • Published in USA USA • by Paul Proteus
This paper is a satire, which means that if you don’t like it; you probably just don’t “get” it


^Click for mandatory listening 😁

Sensational News is Hard

Bringing you Goodbye Blue Monday your leader in repeating what the masses say without any actual research.

-America the Traitoress-

According to recent grumblings detected America is apparently joining an alliance with the worst kind of people imaginable, foreigners and in doing so betraying our many allies whom click button after button and risk carpal tunnel syndrome for eAmerica’s best interest



This is a fertile land (with 10/10 resources) and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land and we will call it... This Land.

And why is America joining the Axis of eVil? According to numerous angry grunting and the general consensus of bickering, this is due to Evry, our newly elected president, being none other than a Puppet!



This is the type of puppet they mean, right?

Now nobody has yet mentioned the lack of opposable thumbs this implies, nor Evry’s history in this game you know, doing things, but if you don’t think about it, it kind of makes sense. So who is pulling the strings of this literal (Metaphors are for elitists) sock puppet?

Well, I’ve read in numerous refutable papers (Caps locks makes them refutable right?) that Evry is a Pfeifferist in the purest sense of the word

Which brings us to tonight’s wor😛



Evry, according to an insider nicknamed the little birdie, is part of a mystical cult that controls the country through devious means (like winning elections) and all listen to their clan leader the Pfeiffer. Early data concludes this "Pfeiffer" is a magical demon with numerous heads and devilish atributes. So pretty much looks like every other eRepublik player And according to a shocking new study, this “Pfeiffer” is the direct cause of 100% of Human Suffering. 100%. And how do we stop him? Well according to what eAmerican patriots are doing right now, the key is to use the stinging and original new term Pfeifferist at least 5 times in every article and 10 in times of campaign. Takes attention away from your platform/lack thereof

And how, ye skeptical naysaying terrorists may ask does this Pfeiffer and his gang control the country? This now can be answered, we have obtained pressing info from semi-coherent ramblings detailing the technique these Pfeifferists and USWPers (this is also a synonym for evil) use to control the country. They win Congress elections and by these means control our very congress. The horror and simplicity of their dreadful plan, it’s unbearable. "What?", you may say, "the USWP doesn’t have a congressional majority", you may ask how then they control congress? The answer is advanced puppet making abilities.

So be warned, masses warn, we’re all going to hell in a handbasket. A handbasket full of puppets!

Letter from the Editor:
Also, before the comment section becomes a vapid debate over either the current government's actions or your (surely lovable) opinions of Pfeiffer, that's not what this article is about. This is me just venting about reading too many articles about how every damn problem in this eCountry is due to the "elite" and how blaming "Pfeifferism" (This is possibly the worst propaganda I have ever read, due to how ridiculous it sounds) gets more votes than offering any opinions or rational thought. That is all~

Your Moment of Zen:


That's all,
Stay Sexy