Derphoof is Best Candidate

Day 2,115, 18:17 Published in USA USA by Derphoof


Some mood music for all mah readers

Dear plebs…

It appears that I will be on the ballot during the upcoming election. As such, I feel obliged to create an article detailing my glorious candidacy. So without further ado, I will present it to you.

Some say that the American political sphere is very elitist. However, you have not witnessed true elitism…. until now. I will be the most elitist president that you could possibly imagine. I will rule with an iron fist over you, and you will have no influence on my decisions. I will attempt to push absolutely everything through congress with minimal debate. My elitist cabal (The Broforce) and I will utterly discard the notion of a cabinet as well as the will of the public as we bring glory to our nation.



As such, for your entertainment, I will engage in great conquest to demolish Poland. How? I plan on winning the Powerball Jackpot. The current estimated jackpot is $169 mil, which I’m sure will be more than enough to push back Poland and anyone else whom I see fit to destroy.

Some of you may say, “Derp, that doesn’t seem like a very good plan…. You have a better chance of getting hit by a meteor than winning the jackpot.” To them, I have a special message which can be found in this link.

OUR GLORIOUS ARMIES SHALL MARCH ACROSS THE LAND, INDISCRIMINATELY SLAYING ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE THE AMERICAN EMPIRE.

THEY SHALL CRY OUT FOR MERCY, ONLY TO RECEIVE A GREATER DEATH.

I WILL BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES AND SACRIFICE THEM TO ALMIGHTY DIO.




Next, I plan on taxing the rich and giving to the poor. I will issue a 20% work tax on Day 1 in order to gain as much money as possible for our Combat Orders. In effect, I will be taking from all of the commune owners and giving that money to the slaves with outrageously high CO’s, in exchange for their obedience to my will.

This will cause everyone to want to fight for the USA, simply because we pay ridiculous sums for damage.

“Derp, won’t the commune managers just up and leave for a tax haven?”

Once I win the lottery, it won’t matter. Now shut up.



I will troll TWO to the maximum extent my body can handle. This will involve both in-game references and RL references as I wish for all TWOfags to be colon crucified by my articles. They will be crushed under my heel and be forced to perform deadly/inane tasks for our mirth.

Nothing is sacred.
Nobody is safe.
The butthurt will flow.

Their ravaged rectums will fuel our armies.



To Ajay and the AFA:



I will ascend my throne to shouts of joy! A blare of trumpets to usher in my reign!

DIO will be worshipped every hour, on the hour, with sand given to every American for that purpose. Through his divine intervention, we shall know true victory.

Elect me, and all nations will bow to our immense and fearsome power. Yurop will be drenched with the blood of our enemies, as we free our allies and show them that whoever has the most money has the most power.

Elect Derphoof for Glory
Elect Derphoof for Power
Elect Derphoof to drink the tears of booty barraged TWOfags.