Derphoof 4 God

Day 2,108, 15:35 • Published in USA USA • by Derphoof

Dear Plebeians,

I have descended from my perch, high upon propaganda mountain, to walk amongst you today. I see that you are in the middle of deciding who will become your President next month. It is quite the task, I’m sure. Should Oblige get a 6th term? Should BigC get the reigns? Should Will Ferrell TylerB ascend from Party to National Prominence?

I am here to tell you that they all pale in comparison to the awe and majesty of my power. Your elections are but petty contests in my eyes, filled with empty promises, backroom deals, and rampant deceit.

Therefore, I am calling on you to recognize your true master: ME.

My powers are immense and glorious. None shall defy me, lest they be struck down with an angrily written message sent to their inbox.

All shall tremble at the sight of my avatar and the sound of my name. Flourishes of trumpets shall announce my presence and the presence of our glorious nation as I lead you into conquest against our trrbl invaders. The infidels will be stamped out by any means necessary.

I will not be seeking party nominations on your pathetic ballots. For your parties stand for nothing and are merely communities of similar personalities. Instead, I wish for direct affirmation from the people of this beautiful nation.

I will rule your nation with an Iron Fist; benevolent, yet feared.

I am calling on you to accept me as your lord and master.

Accept me as your God.

Do so, and I shall lift you up to become the most entertaining and glorious nation in the realm of this forsaken browser game.

TWOfags will cry until they have no more delicious tears left for me to drink. The butthurt will flow and become the tales of legend. eBabies will be told of our glorious prosperity for years to come.

I am here to burn our enemies prop up the American Empire upon the ashes of TWO. I demand blood and tears for my sustenance and their skulls for my throne. Their wails and cries shall reach my ears and I will take pleasure in them. I will plant our flag in Belgrade and establish 1000 years of American dominance. The American Master Race shall thrive, feasting upon the lulz that shall be had.

In place of a President, you would have a GOD! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair!

Accept me as your God. Worship me.

Derphoof
The Alpha Pony
Harbinger of Lulz
Anal Destroyer