Dear eUK

Day 779, 00:12 • Published in United Kingdom USA • by Bradley Reala

I want you.

Dear eUK,
Some of you might know me (the ones I like anyway), but most of you are probably wondering why I'm here, and what the heck I'm thinking writing this in the eUK, right? Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Secretary of State for the eUSA. The reason I'm writing this here is because of a talk I had with your Minister of Foreign Affairs, GLaDOS. I want Woldy!

So, nothing really got done during the talk, but after thinking about it I've come up with the official request from the eUSA. We want this:



You are going to be annexed as a State of the eUSA, and your new State abbreviation will be "GB." Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts, and your state capital will be moved to Wales.

To aid in your adaptation to a culture that is not made of fail, I have taken the liberty of writing a few rules that you must follow. Trust me, they will make the transition as painless as possible.

1. Please stop firing off fireworks on November the 5th. July the 4th is the correct time for fireworks, so setting off fireworks on November the 5th is now banned. If you insist on having fireworks on the 5th, the eUSMC will be happy to aid you in blowing up the two houses of parliament. Your new legislature is located in Florida anyway.

2. You must begin driving on the right side of the road. In this I mean not only driving on the correct side of the road, but driving on the right hand side of the road. Most of the world does it this way, you're only bucking progress by your refusal.

3. You will no longer be allowed to carry weapons. This is non-negotiable. After your numerous showings throughout history (especially when being crushed by the Canadians) we have decided that you simply don't understand how to use a weapon, therefore you should not be allowed to touch them. This includes your "navy." Also, your "navy" will be required to disband. There are no naval battles in eRepublik, so we're not exactly sure how you plan to use your maritime traditions anyway.

4. The right to vote will also be restricted. Seriously, you guys nearly elected the guy supported by Ajay Bruno (a guy we had the sense to PTO/throw out). You've also elected multiple poor candidates for President both before and after Mr. Woldy. The fact that you elected Woldy does not fix this problem. Even a broken clock is correct twice a day.



5. You will stop calling your President a "Prime Minister" immediately. That's silly. The game calls him President. Do you think we threw a fit when we couldn't have a bicameral legislature? You'll also get rid of the House of Lords, see my last sentence. This also goes for your insistence on having a "King." Should you continue to push that particular insistence, Emerick will be instated as your king.

6. We require an apology for a multitude of things, not least of which includes the abomination you released upon us called 'teletubbies.' Your legislature, hereafter called 'Congress' will be tasked with writing an apology to the eUSA. Your current sitting congressmen will be tasked with that, before being dissolved completely and integrated into our own congress.

7. You will all be required to buy dictionaries and look up the word "neutrality," because so far you've been using it incorrectly. Fortunately for you, that will be a moot point when we take over, so this rule is more for your own reference than for any distinct purpose.

8. While you're taking the time to buy dictionaries, we suggest that you buy ones from America. This is to help fix the confusion that arises due to your love affair with the letter "u." A love affair, I should state, that will be ending shortly. From now on "UK English" will be completely abolished in favor of the simpler and more elegant American spellings. You will also stop using "UK Lingo" in favor of USA Lingo.

9. You will turn over the following people to the eUSA; Woldy, Kiera Knightly, and Emma Watson. This will come along with repayment for our efforts in the Marshal Plan. The loans in WWII will be considered a gift, though. You're welcome.


We want the last one especially, kthx

10. You will learn to cook. The Spanish are currently on their way to finishing off conquering France. Once they have, the occupied French will be required to teach you all how to cook. Also, in following with rule 8, you will stop calling Potato Chips "crisps" and you will stop calling French Fries "chips."

11. Finally, you will all be required to switch to the USD for currency.



As you all can imagine, this will be a big change for many of us. I hope you are as enthusiastic about the changes as I, and the rest of America/Canada/Spain/Sweden/Poland/Norwa y/other countries are. Thanks for your time, and remember these rules are both binding and mandatory. I look forward to the coming month!

Sincerely,
Bradley Reala
-Secretary of State for the eUSA