Ambient on/off

Sign up

 

Continue

Continue By creating an account you agree to the Terms of Service & Privacy Policy

America's Cutest Party

Day 2,066, 14:07 Published in USA USA by The Original Fawkie


Hello, and welcome to the first installment of the completely and utterly arbitrary Fawkie Awards. The categories include*, but are not limited do, The Cutest American Political Party, Ultimate Elitist, #1 Asshat, Fawkie's Favorite Person, and Most Disappointing Thing. Today, I'm revealing America's Cutest Party (if you didn't realize that, I might just give you an asshat award), and you may be surprised by the result. How did I determine the rankings, you ask? I just made them up! Read on, and enjoy.

Coming in at a, quite frankly, pathetic slot 5 is the USWP.

Let's face it, the USWP is one of America's oldest parties. They've had their time, been the biggest force in the US, and have since lost that position. Right now, they're rebuilding, and working hard at it. That means they're sweaty, and sweat is gross. So are old people. Old, sweaty people. Gross. Definitely not cute.

In a slightly less depressing number 4, we have the AMP!


They're one big, dysfunctional, happy family. It's not like they're not cute, but the Mafia can be kinda scary. Their strict code of conduct, patriarchal overlord, paranoid security measures, and extensive bureaucracy terrifies me. Don't let this deter you though, they're perfectly happy to welcome you into their ranks, and being a part of the Careolone (no idea if I spelled that right) family certainly has its benefits. At the same time, scary mobsters, definitely not cute. Unless you're gay, I guess.

Rocking the perfectly average number 3 spot is the Feds.

The Feds can be pretty damn cute. They have more girls than any other party, which helps, as well as a plethora of kittehs. On the other hand, the mighty Fawkie isn't cute, he's just awesome. He kicks ass, and is just about the sexiest man alive (outdone only by the epic Paul Proteus), and is in no way to be patronized as cute. Therefore, the Feds cannot be any higher ranked than number 3.


Performing above expectations, we have the WTP.

Why, you ask, because whales are adorable. I mean look at them. Who doesn't want a pet whale when their a kid? Little 6 year old girls throw tantrums when they get a pony, because all they want are whales. Whales to ride around in the ocean, into the sunset, over the mountains and along rainbows between the clouds in the mighty sky cities. Whales just about the cutest thing in the world. On top of all this, they have a Mazzy Cat. I mean, what's not to love?

Finally, America's cutest party. Drum roll please?
































That's right, the American Freedom Alliance! There's nothing cuter than a bunch of little kids who keep trying, to matter how futile it is, to do something. They keep losing, but they keep on trying. Gotta say, you can't knock them for a lack of persistence. The final thing which truly makes them the cutest part in America is that they don't even really exist anymore. Nothing is cuter than complete failure!

That concludes this edition of the Fawkie Awards. If you have any sort of complaint, opinion, disagreement, or thought, please, feel free to keep it to youself.



For those of you know doubt the cute qualities of whales:

 

Comments

Mazzy Cat
Mazzy Cat Day 2,066, 15:19

I SEE ME!

Meow! ♥

(I read it. Are you happy now?)

The Original Fawkie
The Original Fawkie Day 2,066, 15:20

yes

Evry
Evry Day 2,066, 15:49

I read this. Because I was forced to. Happy?

bigcdizzle
bigcdizzle Day 2,066, 23:31

Voted.

The Valeyard
The Valeyard Day 2,067, 01:40

Voted

Evil.Elvis
Evil.Elvis Day 2,067, 02:17

honestly, i think oblige's flukes are a lot bigger than that!

Valiant Thor
Valiant Thor Day 2,067, 03:37

Subscribed & voted TWICE
This is Pulitzer stuff!
o7

EnterAwesome
EnterAwesome Day 2,067, 04:41

Feds have me, aren't I like the cutest evar?

cLaw eagLe
cLaw eagLe Day 2,067, 13:13

Obviously The Original Fawkie wanted to show our modesty.

cLaw eagLe
cLaw eagLe Day 2,067, 13:14

Enjoyed reading it!

GaiusGuy
GaiusGuy Day 2,067, 14:04

Forced to vote for the cutest PiP Boy.

TimbusReven
TimbusReven Day 2,068, 00:50

My lord I read this and woke up my neighbors. All of them. Way too funny.

 
Post your comment

What is this?

You are reading an article written by a citizen of eRepublik, an immersive multiplayer strategy game based on real life countries. Create your own character and help your country achieve its glory while establishing yourself as a war hero, renowned publisher or finance guru.