Dear Croatia (A Reasonable Letter)

Day 3,727, 22:39 • Published in USA USA • by Derphoof



GET BENT.

Seriously, you think you have a chance?!

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I get it. Simply attempting to conquer America in a small-time browser game will probably be a great national achievement irl. You might get a shoutout from whatever kind of leader your nation has.

I mean, y’all are about to burn some major cash, EB’s, etc. in an attempt to turn a piece of a virtual map from purple to periwinkle. It is truly a defining achievement.

Yes, I know it's humorous to win against the most powerful country in real life, in a browser game coded by a few guys who attached real life names to clans, to create a nationalist fervor that gets you to easily throw money at them.

But even so…

You won’t be able to win the war.

And that’s the most amusing thing about this.





I mean, this is Croatia we’re talking about. What do most people know about Croatia. Last time they were of importance was in the 90s, and that was simply because the breakup of Yugoslavia was a regional crisis. Before that? Umm… never.

After that? Never.

Seriously, when he gave “Yugoslavia” as a quiz answer, I had to tell a 12 year old last week that Yugoslavia hadn’t been a country since 1992. A child that was born in 2006 had no idea Croatia even existed.

So, here’s my conclusion. Croatia is basically the Wyoming of Europe. Never heard of Wyoming? That’s okay. Americans often forget Wyoming actually exists, and gets equal representation in Congress. It’s like the Rhode Island of the West. It’s there, and people live there, but most people just fly over it without thinking.

Really any other country in Europe not named France, Germany, Italy and... idk maybe Poland can probably identify with that. And Poland is an up-and-comer. They’re like the Austin, TX of Europe…. But far more conservative.

Anywho, Croatia has no culture or political importance to care about. Much like Wyoming. It’s just got some nice natural sights to see, but that’s about it. I’d be more interested in the Serbian communities of Croatia than actual Croatians.

On the other hand, people can actually name bunches of American figures.

America matters, and Croatia is an afterthought. And that’s why this matters to them.





Here’s what I know about Croatians in-game though:

1.) They’ll undermine anyone they’re affiliated with and/or infiltrate them, so long as it benefits them in some way.

2.) They don’t worship Dio. They probably worship Colin’s wallet.

3.) They’re 99.9% of the reason people never liked Syndicate.

4.) They actually like Turkey. *vomits*





Now, to the American wussies who cry at the impending invasion, here are 13 Reasons Why the airstrike was righteous and goo😛

1.) F*** Croatia

2.) F*** Croatia

3.) F*** Croatia

4.) F*** Croatia

5.) F*** Croatia

6.) F*** Croatia

7.) F*** Croatia

8.) F*** Croatia

9.) F*** Croatia

10.) F*** Croatia

11.) F*** Croatia

12.) F*** Croatia

13.) F*** Croatia

Thank you for your time.