All These Things That I've Done.

Day 1,340, 14:12 • Published in USA USA • by Israel Stevens

I am a dynamic American, often seen traveling to foreign lands merely to have lunch. I have built buildings that have scrapped the sky. I have been known to make wine out of cucumbers. I am motivated, and dedicated.

Occasionally, I run on the treadmill for a week. I completed the 24 hours of Le Mans in 20 hours. I climbed Mount Everest so I could sled back down. I am fluent in Ugandan, devious at checkers, and banned from the White House.

I conquered Austria with nothing but a ball of yarn. I planted an entire garden without seeds; then harvested the crop and fed all of Africa for three years. I played the Electric Guitar for the London Symphony Orchestra, John Williams asked for lessons. I was scouted by the Red Sox, but chose to swim across the Indian Ocean instead. I have always taken the aisle seat, and have never cheered for the favorite.

I once read the Bible from back to front. And then back again. I have been known to teach school children how to build calculators. And just last Wednesday, I made peace between Israel and Palestine. I chopped down a redwood, and used the wood to make a pinewood derby car. I am amphibious, amorphous and anatomically perfect.

I have herded Sea Cows and rode Sea Horses. I have made rope out of desert sand. I once managed to find my own virginity. I can lick my elbow, and run a 3 minute mile. I am complexly simple, and a cunning linguist.

I have estimated the number of marbles in the jar, with perfect accuracy, and have maintained apathetic interest in all aspects of my life. I played all three witches in Macbeth, and I could in fact wash the blood off my hands. I have impregnated women just by exhaling. I stopped more pucks than Roberto Luongo, and I have been full after eating Chinese food.

I did not take my talents to South Beach, I am taking them to Salt Lake. I design comfortable bras for women in my spare time, and built a bridge to nowhere using just straws and dental floss. I can understand Yogi Beara, and been soaked by dry ice. I am daring in bed, reserved at dinner and likable at work.

I have won bull fights in Moscow, drank Scotch in Australia and gone ice fishing in the Bahamas. I put out a burning church with nothing but spit. I change my own oil, and drink Coronas without the lime. I have eaten the worm, and on Friday, I was in fact able to decide which seat to pick. I have put flowers in gun barrels, and shouted out ‘Who killed the Kennedy’s?” I have been to the Moon, drank wine in Paris and sat on a beach in Iceland.

But I have never been elected to Congress.

Help me change that. Send me a message, and vote for me in Utah.