[USA] Emerick of Emerika!

Day 800, 21:12 • Published in USA Pakistan • by Max McFarland 2


Citizens,

I present to you today a chronicle of recent events, regarding Emerick, which have happened across the world in recent times. These events were first set in motion over six months ago, but in the past month have recently begun picking up speed.

Shall we look back at what actually happened?
1. Over Six Months Ago: Emerick takes another step to ascension as a God, by divesting his mind from his newly comatose body. Through a manifestation of his will his stand was able to leave behind his body and run the nation while he slept. It should be noted that Emerick is so Great that no one really noticed when a giant green phallus with tentacles riding on a golden chariot came into the office instead of him one day. While there have been rumors that PigInZen & Rhane died in these events, that is a bit murky, since only their clones died. True story.
2. Day 778: Emerick missing, feared dead. Emerick's Stand mysteriously disappears, while his physical body remains comatose; we can only suspect that he was forced to recall his Stand.
3. Day 784: Josh Frost attempts to help the nation move on. While this was a quaint and thoughtful gesture, it just goes to show that sometimes King Kitty can be a bit dense. This inability to grasp the true Greatness of Emerick likely stems from King Kitty's inability to accept Dio. Silly atheist, power is for Dioists.
4. Day 785: AgentChieftain, Supreme Priest of Dio, announces that some unknown party (I suspect a certain scrabbing bitter old man who was once fond of calling people butthole hater trolls) seized upon the opportunity to mail Emerick's comatose body to Pakistan for burial in the sands. Emerick's body came into possession of AgentChieftain. Due to his Greatness, Emerick's body is so perfect in his comatose state that he was mistaken for dead.
5. Day 791: The S.E.E.S. delivers Emerick's final words to Josh Frost. The eclectic and enigmatic band includes many priests of Emerick, who follow the implied commands of the elcectic and enigmatic Prophet of Emerick. King Kitty seizes the moment and publishes them immediately.
6. Day 792: scrabman publishes Emerick's last will and testament. Some might suspect that the veneer of respect was mere cover for knowingly shipping the comatose body of Emerick of to Pakistan, hoping to be rid of him forever.
7. Day 792: AgentChieftain, Supreme Priest of Dio, having received many offers for the body of Emerick, embarks on a journey which was planned to lead him to Nigeria, possibly also to Greece and/or Brazil, with an eye toward somehow disposing of Emerick's body. Little did he know that Emerick's comatose body yet lived, and that an ambush was being planned to recover it...



So it was that upon becoming aware of these events, I decided that the time had come for action. I rallied to my side certain allies of Emerick, such as Seal Team Six, the Great Ape, the S.E.E.S., the Prophet, some eUSA Senators who were rather bored, and a random assortment of other mercenaries. But, not Chisholm, because he was too busy being a pansy nancy-boy who followed orders. I then called upon my dear friend and ancient enemy of Pakistan, Big Brother, to join us in battle. I also invited Laya, because she is a p cool tank. Together, we made plans to strike a blow against AgentChieftain and recover the body of Emerick, amongst other things.

So it was that last Saturday, in order to recover the body of Emerick, I gathered by allies and left the nation for a day, forsaking over a dozen active endorsements for eUSA Country President. The cost was high, but worth it. We had intelligence that AgentChieftain was resting in Marmara, on his way from Nigeria to Greece, with the body of Emerick in tow. The moment would soon pass; the time had come for action!

We launched a surprise attack upon AgentChieftain, Supreme Priest of Dio, and his guards, striking them unawares! Big Brother moved immediately to assault AgentChieftain, reminding him bitterly of their last conflict, when Big Brother impeached AgentChieftain. No surprise who lost both times.

Meanwhile, the S.E.E.S. first blessed the assembled mercenaries and led them in the making of Manly Insults, then our mighty force struck such a blow against the Pakistanis that the aftershocks toppled their flagpole, returning Marmara to Turkey. In the confusion of battle, I was able to secure Emerick's body and bring it back to the eUSA. Meanwhile, a crack team of Seals were able to steal some Pakistani government documents from AgentChieftain's luggage. From what I understand, AgentChieftain fled to Punjab following the battle.

The Pakistani Special Forces quickly deployed to the aid of AgentChieftain, but alas, they are no longer the exceptionally large and capable military force they were when once they stood alongside us against the Canadians. Instead, in their current befuddled state, they simply attacked Turkey by mistake. The Great Ape, renowned philanthropist, attempted to assist Turkey with the aid of Seal Team Six, but unfortunately the Turks and Pakis kept chasing each other in circles until they tired everyone out, leaving part of Turkey in Pakistani hands and allowing India and Serbia to conquer Pakistan while the Pakistani Special Forces were distracted. How sad. This would never have happened if Dio were present to guide them. Perhaps one day Dio will return? Perhaps, better yet, our own God shall rise, Emerick of Emerika, to replace Dio, unifying the people as has not happened since the Can-Am War?

Meanwhile, after the battle King Kitty and I re-convened for a quick review of those government documents, specifically, medical records for Dio Brando. You see, about two weeks ago Josh and I decided the world could use some house-cleaning of defunct Gods. Specifically, Dio. So, Josh snuck into Dio's tent and slipped some slow-acting poison into his curry; Dio has been starving to death ever since. While we were at it, we figured he might as well poison Michael Lewis too. We are happy to report that they each have two feet in the grave, with an eye toward diving in. Will anyone save them? You can treat the symptoms daily, but the poison will never leave their systems.

As for Emerick, I then immediately moved him to safe place, in preparation for the next phase of my plan. Do not bother searching for him, I have hidden him where you may never find him, deep within Xenia, Ohio. If you are unfamiliar with Xenia, Ohio, watch the movie Gummo. Be warned; you will leave dazed and confused wondering how exactly you lost that span of your life. I might also be lying about Xenia, but he is in Ohio. Also, the clones. I have stocked the state with Emerick clones, so that only I know where to find the real Emerick. You don't remember the clones? I mentioned them above. Emerick did once fight for Indonesia, after all, and as we all know they have quite the advanced cloning program.

I sent a demand to President Jewitt for the immediate erection of a defense system, to defend the comatose body of Emerick. I demanded a mighty Q5 Fortress,, or at least a low-standing Q1 Picket Fence. I even offered to pay for it. Sadly, I have responded no response other then some teasing from Vice President PigInZen. I await their compliance with my demands.

The way forward is simple. I will keep feeding Emerick his daily dose of poison. Sadly, some underground resistance members are actually feeding him food. I kindly ask them to stop. Anyone who truely loves Emerick will let him die. The man must die before the God may rise.

One day, if you let him die, he shall rise, our Dio, Emerick of Emerika.

So it is written.

V/r,
Max

~ Party President, Umbrella Research Party, 15 - 23 Jan 10