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[GBM] #SeaLionsGate 2014

Day 2,553, 18:42 • Published in USA USA

• by Paul Proteus

This is satire, meaning that it's the only real truth

Click for Mood Musik (It's 'We Are the World')

Hello dear subscribers, this is Paul Proteus here. What's that? You don't remember what hard hitting journalism is like? Fear not, for the Goodbye Blue Monday staff has returned.

#SeaLionsGate
Day 2553, eWashington DC

Breaking news,
There has been a scandal in Washington involving recently re-elected President Oblige.

_{Presidential Portrait of Oblige. Just look at those hungry eyes}

This morning, amidst reports from inside sources who do not wish to be named, the press has received evidence that President Oblige eats baby Sea Lions.

A sore point in the Oblige camp for years, the reports detailing wide spread consumption of baby sea lions directly contradict a statement made by Oblige under oath in 2011 denying such activities.

The reports started when Aramec, a notable Washington socialite, and acclaimed meth dealer, let slip that earlier Oblige had "munched on baby sea lion blubber when Oblige and [Aramec] were cuddling in his top floor jacuzzi last week"

Following Aramec's accusation, and a whirlwind social media reaction, involving the hashtags #sealiongate and #followtheblubber the Oblige camp was quick to respond.

^{This is exactly what a person who eats sea lions would say}

In addition to stunning the public, #sealionsgate has prompted talk of impeachment from the political establishment, and mounting political pressure on Secretary of Swag, and less importantly, Speaker of the House, Tenshibo to pursue immediate legislative steps to impeach Oblige, clearly legislate Sea Lion murder, and change his name to Ahab.

Edit: Goodbye Blue Monday has since confirmed this information with frequent source and friend of the program Malarkey83 who told us, "Oh yeah I've seen Oblige eat sea lions all the time. It's the worst kept secret in Washington" Further testimonials came from NewAzazel, "I knew something was fishy that time I walked into his office and there were dead Sea Lions on the ground." and Derphoof who remarked that whenever he asked Oblige about the odor of dead sea lion that permeated his office he was shooed away and "told it had something to do with the Patriot Act".

_{This is what's at stake}

As more information surfaces, Goodbye Blue Monday will remain your number one source in SeaLionsGate*

*_{Our legit sources will probably still be inactive two clickers though}

Thank you for tuning into this breaking Goodbye Blue Monday, here is your moment of zen~