Tuesday's Daily Dose

Day 2,506, 01:17 Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom by Nights0ul

Potpourri



"If you see the world in black and white, you're missing important grey matter."

-- Jack Fyock


Jokes

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 AM, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick- witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

Even when totally smashed, I knew 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = twelve - MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "midnight." He didn’t seem suspicious in the least. 'Whew, I got away with that one!'

Then he told me, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit!' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and broke wind!"

-o-o-o-o-

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat. One day, he decided to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put him on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!"

-o-o-o-o-

A young woman was appearing in court to face a Public Disorderly Conduct charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and asked, "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf, who was waving a union jack, on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over a hundred mph through the centre of London, during a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly aske😛 "What was the date again?"

-o-o-o-o-

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."