The Way Women Think

Day 2,330, 13:58 Published in Poland United Kingdom by mick cain

THE WAY WOMEN THINK ....



Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.


Wife’s Response:

Who’s Paula?
Wives


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.?? It's called marriage.'


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.?
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,?
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.?
Then we met.


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.?
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'?
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'







THE IRISH CHRISTENING



Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."


The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Lordy, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot. Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," said the doctor.


The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise.'


Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"


The doctor replied, "Denephew."



The Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in London , just off Piccadilly, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued but continues to the second floor where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow!' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.



'Three SCOTTISH Kick Rule'
A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."