Anmelden

The past 2 months were the worst 2 months of my (eRepublik) life. It seems as if Admin and ONE teamed up to maul the American economy. The economy went rabid and decided to maul everything else that made my gaming experience enjoyable. I will not bore you with all the details, but it looked a little like this:


OW OW WHY MY FACE STOP F*** F*** AAHHAAGGGLLL!!


The only thing that brings me still brings me happiness is the warm, embracing sight of a boatload full of dead Spaniards. It’s like a drug to me. I sold everything I had to get my daily dose of sweet, sweet death.

About a week ago, I ran out of money. I was left with only two solutions: prostitution or securing a cozy, semi-permanent coma by stepping in front a bus IRL. Prostitution didn’t work out so well (perverts are so picky these days), and those damn Montreal bus drivers appear to have Spiderman-like reflexes.

The lack of dead Spaniards made my days empty and miserable. Every morning I wake up, log in, go to the battlefield and watch as hundreds and hundreds of Spanish soldiers continue to inexplicably live. My patriotic finger urges me to click ‘’Fight’’, but I know I can’t... I sadly look at the screen as my mouse hovers over the red button, pleading me to click. But I can’t.


I CAN'T

I have become a grizzled, too-poor-to-buy-food hobo, which admittedly, is pretty bad for a 19-year-old.

My psychiatrist/only friend/that-guy-with-the-bottle-of-vodka jokingly suggested I should start a foundation to plea for money, implying I have too much dignity to actually do it.


Well, the joke’s on him.


Welcome to...





Here is what your generous donation gets you.

Donation of $2 or more:

I will give you one word out of the dictionary and give you its meaning, followed by a useful example. It will undoubtedly make you look smart in front of imbeciles and kindergarteners.

Example: Undoubtedly (adv.)

1. Definitely, unquestionably.
2. without a doubt.

Example: ''Undoubtedly, you have some issues'', said my psychiatrist.



Donation of $5 or more:

I will give you one word out of the street dictionary and give you its meaning. Teenagers and black people will think you’re cool.

Example: Cockblocker (noun)

1. Someone who interferes with someone else’s chances in having sexual intercourse, either intentionally or unintentionally.

Example: ''I totally cockblocked Mark at the party last night by kidnapping his girlfriend.''



Donation of $10 or more:

This will get you your own original or foreign swear, accompanied with a delightful definition and example!

Example: Barmpot!

Definition: Clumsy idiot.
Example: ''Did you hear Jerry ran over his own mother and now she’s in intensive care? What a barmpot!''



Donation of $20 or more:

Upgrade your simple insult to a full-on colorful comeback!

Example:
-‘’Dave, your mother is fat.’’
-‘’Oh yeah? Well your mother sucks bears in the forest!’’



Donation of $40 or more:

I will start sharing your hatred for someone. This includes endless conversations about our mutual loathing for someone and sneaky plans aiming at his/her total destruction.

*BONUS!* Add another $10 and I will send that person notes with somewhat threatening bible verses scrawled in blood.





Donation of $100 or more (Sh*t just got serious):
I will write a personalized haiku about your penis (Or someone else’s penis?)

No vaginas though, that would be weird. Don’t make this weird man.

Example:
Standing proud and tall
Strong and mighty like a bear
My own pretty dong.



Donation of $200 or more: (Are you for real, man?)

I will write a short story (200-1000 words, depending of your generosity) about a time people made fun of you and immediately paid for it with their lives.

Example: ‘’Oh, Salinger’’, said the Spanish President as he took a bite out of Salinger’s sandwich. ‘’Maybe you should have put your name on the bag.’’

‘’I did,’’ Salinger replied, pointing to the bold black letters clearly visible on the bag, ‘’It’s right there’’.

‘’That’s your handwriting?’’ He scoffed. ‘’I thought a bird with diarrhea pooped inside your fridge’’

Everyone erupted in laughter.

Seconds later, the windows shattered and a SWAT team composed of Chuck Norris, Leroy Combs and Theodore Roosevelt clones jumped into the room. One of them started setting the place ablaze.

‘’Give Salinger his sandwich back, Jose!’’, exclaimed another. ‘’Unless you want to die, of course.’’

Shaken, the president handed Salinger the half-eaten sandwich.

Without warning, Chuck Norris grabbed the Spaniard by the collar of his shirt and pushed him towards the now wide-open window. ‘’It’s time to meet your maker ‘’, he whispered through his steel beard.

‘’B-b-but you... you said you wouldn’t kill me!’’, whimpered the President.

Norris looked at him and said: ‘’I say a lot of things’’. He then pushed him right out of the window.

It took days to scrape that human pancake off the pavement.



Donation of $300 or more:

I will continue the abovementioned story, but will end it in an excessively graphic romantic interlude between you and a chosen partner.

Example:

‘’Nice ‘stache’’, said Jessica Alba as she walked through the door.

‘’Thanks’’ Salinger replied. He turned his head to the SWAT team. ‘’Get lost, will ‘ya?’’ Teddy silently nodded his head in understanding and walked out, followed by Leroy and Chuck.

Salinger got up from his chair. His sweaty, muscular and perfectly tanned chest was reflecting the bright fire consuming the office around him. ‘’Now, where were we?’’

In confident strides, he crossed the room, fiery debris all around him.

*The rest is too graphic to be showed in a newspaper. Rest assured your personalized story will contain enough graphic material to bankrupt most pornographic websites.



Donation of $400 or more:

I will fall in love with you. I will friend you, shout my love for you from rooftops, change my newspaper name for your name and will stalk you on Facebook, like normal lovers do.

*BONUS*! For an extra $50: My love for you will know no bounds, boundaries or limits. No distance, logic or restraining order will keep me away from you. I will even send you saucy pictures of me.



Donation of $500 or more:

I will write an article about you, praising every single one of your qualities. And I can make anything sound like a quality. Even the utter insanity you proved that you have by donating $500.

Multiple people may appear on the same article.



Donation of $1000 or more:

Whatever. Like literally, ANYTHING. 1000 virtual dollars is exactly what my self-respect is worth. You want do the Albuquerque Blue Sausage-Roll? It doesn’t exist, you say? Well, I’ll invent something so disgusting even the porn star version of Pizza The Hut wouldn’t do and do it with you. (Burn, btw)



Donation of 2 GOLD or more:

You'll get everything off the menu. The reading should make your stay at the psychiatric hospital less traumatizing.



To donate to the fund, simply send the money to me. For donations up to $39.99, I will message you back with your treat. For 40$, tell me who to hate and we will share this mutual hatred until death does us part. People who donate $100 or more: Send me the name of the owner of the penis that you feel deserves a haiku. Feel free to add any pertaining adjectives. $200? Either send me a setting, or I'll choose one for you. For the $300, choose your lover. $400, ohhhhh man. Gimme your Facebook link. I'll totally stalk you. $500: Describe yourself in a few sentences. $1000: You will be contacted by your local law enforcement agencies, you sick, sick person.

EDIT 1: You also may choose to donate in exchange for 2 or more options. Just send me a message telling which ones you want, so I don't end up sending you a short story when what you really want is a haiku about your uncle's penis and a few dictionary words. (Thanks, Gnilraps)

EDIT 2: Item donations are also accepted. Their worth will be determined by their current market price.

EDIT 3: This is getting more attention than I expected. I have increased the prices. If you donated before the increase, you will get what you originaly payed for.



Be generous: I assure you every penny will be spent on the most pure and just cause: Kicking Spain right in the kisser. Please shout.

Love,





Couple disclaimers:

1. Admin is slowly putting stuff back together, so don't hate.
2. The original idea of this type of fund belongs to one of my favorite RL authors.