Jack Lantos 4 lolz POTUS

Day 2,145, 07:35 • Published in USA Greece • by Jack Lantos

My Fellow eAmericans,

Like every wannabe in this country before and hereafter, the dream to rule over my fellow citizens and lie to them while taking their money has at last crystallized in my mind.

My comprehensive plan will secure this great nation’s future, steering us in a responsible and sustainable new direction. This is our New Hope – we will defeat the Phantom Menace of oppression and the Empire will indeed Strike Back.


1. Financial policy

There is an extraordinary amount of financial waste by the current administration.

For instance, bribes are given to almost all of the voting population, but this is unnecessary. Under my regime bribes will only be given to, at most, 51% of the voting population. This is financial responsibility.

And how will all spending be financed? It almost goes without saying that everyone will be taxed into oblivion. Furthermore, the state budget with full accounting will be updated every single century and will be publicly viewable in-game at all times during lunar eclipses. This is accountability. This is progress.


2. Foreign policy

There will be no attempt at negotiations with international leaders or diplomats. Rather, operation DOME OF SILENCE will forbid all communications from our own citizens to the outside world. The silent treatment will cause outsiders to become curious, then totally insecure and fearful of the unknown. Fairly soon they will be incapacitated by their paranoia and the world will be ours for the taking.


3. Domestic policy

Citizens will be encouraged to conduct their domestic violence in an orderly fashion, using only state-approved implements and techniques.


4. Education policy

Every noob will be left behind. What did they ever do for you anyway? Instead we will focus on the hyper-intelligent upper percentile of the population, and violently interrogate them to learn their secrets.


5. Propaganda policy

My regime will not churn out propaganda like everyone else, pretending all the time that the right decisions were made, that mistakes and defeats were actually “strategies”, etc.

We will be upfront and admit all wrong decisions, mistakes, and defeats, before they even happen. This is the full list: …


6. Executive Cabinet

There are many positions available - apply for them as much as you want, they are only empty titles given to power-hungry people on the fence to swing them over to my side and make me look like a team leader.

Vice President:

Secretary of Invasions:

Secretary of Embezzlement: eisenmutter2

Secretary of Mafia Connections:

Secretary of Boats ‘n Hoes: John Largo

Grand Admiral of Starfleet:

Secretary of Executions:

Secretary of Riddles and Limericks: Valiant Thor

Expendable Scapegoat: Waysted

Secretary of Steamy Affairs:

Super-Secret Special Service Spymaster: (redacted by: you-don’t-wanna-know)


7. Executive Executioner

As alluded to in section 6, there will be an official Minister of Executions. It’s not what you think, this person will be licenced to kill people, but only people within the executive branch to keep itself in line – like an immune system that fights infections and cancers from within. Incidentally, problematic free-thinking citizens may be elevated to honorary members of the executive branch at any time.


8. Endorsements

We have secured the endorsement of every single member of our election campaign, representing 100% of the population in our campaign headquarters. With popularity ratings at absolute maximum, we are slated for a landslide unanimous victory.



Together, we will stand as one, and form a united front, of absolute uniform unity: true undivided, consistent, sameness-of-calibre, blandness - none of which will EVER be something new.

Together, nothing can stop us.

Together, we will prevail.

Jack Lantos 4 lolz POTUS