Join the new world

Good morning reader, welcome to another publication of Goodbye Blue Monday, yellow journalism for the refined crowd. As your subscription to Goodbye Blue Monday, now available as a free trial for 30 days, brings you high quality news, opinion, satire, and mostly, as of late, tumbleweeds, you may be excited to see another piece of shining journalism in your subscription docket. However, I must temper your hopes, as a member of the Federalist Political Department in perpetuity, this is nothing but a party piece. However, I assure you, as far as soulless propaganda goes, this is top notch. Also when I actually write what I think, people tend to be upset by it, and dear reader, I am too old for that shit. So, enjoy this top notch drivel, and without further ado, I present to you Goodbye Blue Monday Congress Edition, no. ∞:


^{Paul Proteus, editor in chief, watching a tense Congress discussion as to whether Oblige has a blowhole or not, and whether or not killing him will satiate the Ahab in all of our hearts. Also like the budget.}

Front Page News

Breaking News: Federalists Run For Congress. You Should Probably Vote for Them, Reports Say

Washington, Day 3047 – As part of the endless cycle of virtual happenings to which all citizens of eRepublik must pretend to care about, the 25th marks another round of Congressional elections, where eRepublik citizens go to the polls and assert "eh, these choices are fine." This month, however, sources are heard to say that the Federalist roster is particularly strong. According to longtime source and friend of this paper, Malarkey83 says "I heard that most people on this list are good people, you should vote for them. Also my account is dead. Where am I? Why can the souls of the dead not stay silent? Their screams are too much to bear."

In other news, everyone is excited, cherry blossoms are blooming, and Federalist candidates are eager to start legislating. This intrepid reporter, demonstrating this paper's penchant for difficult investigative journalism, has gone to the length of securing the official Federalist list so all you plebs readers know exactly who to vote for.


^{Many Bothans died to bring us this information}

Aramec: Fresh off his journies in Middle Earth, where many fell to his halfling axe, and now decorate his head, Aramec has returned to represent the Feds in Congress. We are confident his insatiable bloodlust and violence will represent the party well in the halls of Congress.

Cromstar: Our current speaker, this methuselah has recently garnered endorsements from Tapioca Weekly, and Dentures Unlimited. While some say these ties to Big Oldperson might lessen Crom's attachment to representing the common man, we here at the Fed treasury say nonsense. Also buy some tapioca.

MollyEmma: [redacted due to lack of security clearance]

Paul Proteus: Paul Proteus was the lucky winner of the first ever "Win a Spot on the Fed Congress List" contest. He won this award after finding a golden ticket in his tapioca and almost choking to death. We're pretty sure he's an idiot and are terminating this ill-thought out contest at once.

Delyruin: Delyruin is like Socrates. He says he's a teacher, but we're pretty sure he's just corrupting the youth. Also he probably looks like a crazy person, we're not entirely sure. Regardless, he's a valuable congress peep, and, like every congress peep, will probably explode if left in the microwave for too long.

Tyler Bubblar: Like the wallpaper, Tyler seems to have always been around. Unlike the wall paper, Tyler is incredibly competent, a valuable member of Congress, SCI, and Fed leadership, and generally a nice guy. To be honest, the wallpaper metaphor really just doesn't hold up here. The two things don't have a lot in common.

Blame My Doppelganger: I'm pretty sure this guy stole the Fed cookie jar, but he's assured me it wasn't him, and instead was his evil doppelgänger. FBI has been revived to investigate.

Orik: While it's possible that Orik's "satiric" rebranding as Trump2016 is the cause of Trump's unexpected success, we have decided to forgive him as he's very competent, the glue behind Federalist leadership, and, well to be honest, that causal relationship is pretty hard to prove. (We still have our suspicions).

Dinnyin: Dinnyin has been an invaluable asset to the party ever since he came a few months ago. Also I'm not entirely sure how to pronounce his name, so he's definitely staying on the roster until I figure that out.

Jaden A: JADEN A IS THE PP AND IS DOING A GREAT JOB.
_{Okay, nobody is listening, do not trust jaden, let me regale you with the true story of the feds. it all started when...}[CENSORED]

Yui: Yui is apparently very good at games I have never heard of. Something about Rockets? Spaceships? Idk, I guess that's worth a vote?

Tenshibo: Swag^∞: The Tenshibo Story will be published in this paper in 1000 distinct chapters, until then, keep Tenshibo in congress so he can afford drugs.

Lunete: Lunete is a shining star. Also an incredible member of Fed leadership who represents this party incredibly well. Also Fed Leadership finally learned how to spell Lunete, so we definitely don't want all that learning to have been in vain.

Hale Kane: You may know Hale Kane from "Congress doesn't Love Him: The Soap Opera," I know him from "Switzerlan😛 A Very Small Country Nobody Loved," regardless, you'll love him in "Congress: Well, It Could Be Worse" rated NC-17 for explicit idiocy.

Evry: Evry is a cool dude. Evryone knows that.

ReiLusitano: Rei is great, he's intelligent, and has a badass foreign name, so you know, that counts for something.

Shadowber: I've heard that Shadowber is smarter than the average ber. I'll let you know when I know what that means.

Regis: Look, talkshows may seem played out, or nonexistent in eRepublic, but then you see Regis and it's fresh and cool, and he's a cool guy don't judge him just because I'm getting really tired writing all of these.

OnionKing: SON OF ONIONMONARCH, GRANDSON OF ONIONEMPEROR, ONIONKING IS THE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF ONIONIA, WIELDER OF THE GARLIC SCEPTRE. HIS PEOPLE ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR BRAVERY, AND FOR THE FACT THAT IF YOU CUT HIM YOU'LL PROBABLY CRY AND LOOK LAME AND WE'LL ALL NOTICE.


^{And uh other things to do}

That's basically it, honestly, this was tongue in cheek, but we have a great group of people here, and we'd really like to get them all in. I don't need to say much more, because honestly our record in Congress is that of thoughtful and reasonable governance. Vote Fe😛 Just Do it.

Also this text they added about my "soon-to-be dedicated readership" is making me laugh, so, who said updates in eRepublik are useless.

Until next time,
Stay Sexy Alive,
Paul Proteus