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Tax 'em!

Just when you thought you had all the fun you could possibly handle with Muanmar Ghadaffi, London Cut protests, U2 publicity stunts and the summer that just won't die, along comes SARS - the South African Revenue Service.

Great. Just what everybody needs to reduce stress and maintain a positive attitude.

I recently fielded a call on this subject from one of my biggest fans: "You mampara! What do you mean we can fight SARS with only Manto's garlic and beetroot? Can't you see? We are all going to die paying taxes. Pay, Pay, Pay... I tell you."

"Please, mother. Don't panic. Panicking will only make it worse. You need to reduce your stress."

"What do you mean make it worse? How can it be any worse? People are paying taxes all over the place. It's all over the media. Every day. This is just horrible."

"That's not a very positive attitude. So far, out of 256 thousand people in the eWorld, only about seventeen has been targeted by SARS. Most of those are on the other side of Kimberly. That's not good for them, but the risk for us is way smaller than it seems."

"Then why does it seem like it's everywhere? Why won't the TV people stop talking about it?"

"Well, the TV people have all sworn a secret oath. They are to maintain high professional standards, report the news as objectively as possible and do whatever is necessary to scare people with death and taxes. See? It's simple."

"I don't know..." "Sure, mother. Why do you think that if somebody walks into a Vetkoek Paleis and blows away a table of sangomas with an AK-47, it makes the headlines all over eSouth Africa, but when 500 people walk into Nando's and order a Lemon Chicken burger that day, there's not a peep out of the media."

"I don't know dear."

"Why do you think we always hear about eSAA airplanes crashing to the ground, but never about eSAA airplanes taking off safely? Three hours late, mind you, but safely nonetheless."

"Well..."

"And why do you think that the media focus on the handful of congress members involved in almost starting a war with a non-Natural Enemy, corruption, sex, trolling, faking enthusiasm, nepotism, pick-pocketing, slander, not donating their five gold pieces, lying, demagoguery and falsifying their tax receipts, when they could probably find a handful of upstanding, honest congress people?"

"OK, dear. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the media is blowing this congress thing out of proportion. But what about SARS?"

Reduce stress. Reduce stress. Reduce stress.

"SARS is simple. We all fight taxes best when we are less stressed. So everybody should take a vacation and relax on a Namibian beach to reduce their stress. Then SARS would be defeated."

"But dear, do you really think 250 thousand of us can fit onto a Namibian beach?"

"I suppose not. We should have some go to Mozambique. Which still means we must take other measures to reduce stress. We can start by avoiding high-stress situations, such as hi-jackings, watching the Proteas play a semi-final, staying on the phone to Telkom, Shark supporters and listening to Malema."

"OK, I'm taking notes."

"Make sure you get plenty of sleep."

"Why? Does SARS leave people alone while they sleep?"

"No, but well-rested people fight off SARS tax agents better than worn-down, tired people. Sleep reduces stress."

"OK, what else?"

"Keep fit. Eat nutritious meals and get plenty of exercise."

"But won't exercise just wear me down? Then I'll be a sitting duck for any placid SARS agent."

"Don't exercise THAT much. Just enough to keep fit. And pray."

"I can do that."

"And don't pick on people with who fall outside of the lowest tax bracket. Believe it or not, people are keeping clear of anybody who looks poor. I know many people of poor ancestry who have never even been poor. I know people born poor who have not been poor for years. Why avoid people based on their ancestry, when SARS began enforcing the new tax laws just a few hours ago?"

"I make decisions based on ancestry all the time, dear."

"You do, mother?"

"Sure, why do you think I'm your biggest fan?"

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~ Another article consumed for eRepublik use