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Wow, did I actually create this image 200 days ago? I mean, how messed up is that? I spent my time putting the words MoHA across the teeth of Steve Harvey? Wowowow

Are you inactive on eRepublik? Do you find it a struggle to keep up with the latest happenings as they unfold in a virtual world, where men are boys, women are men and the children are the FBI? Don't worry, you can trust me. I don't like to get too personal on the Internet, but I can tell you that I was born at an early age.

As an infrequent observer of events that occur in the little corner of the eGlobe known as the eUK, I can promise you that this newspaper will deliver you news of the latest and most relevant events that you need to know as a member of the eUnited Kingdom. Using my privileged position as a non-member of government, non-member of Congress and Councillor of the United Kingdom Reform Party, this newspaper shall henceforth "stop with the bloody shitposts" - Boaty 2016 and function as an actual news outlet.



Our main story today is an official announcement from the account of a certain Boaty McBoatface, which has undergone several name changes but is unable to shake the fact that everyone knows he's Boris Johnson in real life.

There has been much consternation in the eUK media regarding the theft of BH medals and Boaty has stepped in to put a stop to that nonsense.



The announcement in question comes at a politically sensitive time in real life as well, with #brexit looming and Britain pondering the question of whether it will exit the next World Cup in the group stages or the last 16.

It appears that the eWorld has taken notice of Boaty's announcement and effective immediately, all British Armed Forces fighters may receive refunds on stolen Battle Hero medals when they participate in the eUK's battles.

Take, for example, my latest battle in which I fought valiantly and clicked rapidly with my left hand while stimulating myself with my other hand to panda porn from pandaporn.com which was playing in a separate small window which was of course in incognito mode as dubstep boomed from my Bluetooth speakers and my university professors stood behind me cheering me to a climax.


I still managed only eight kills, though.

This, of course, was insufficient to gain a Battle Hero medal. However, a quick message to the filthy BH thief sufficed.




It's really all about how you ask. I received my due compensation almost immediately.




Of course, I was stunned and aghast at the invasion of a young woman's privacy and immediately deleted those nude photographs, not aroused at all. In fact, it would seem that nowadays I achieve titillation through catching glimpses of antique furniture in a voyeuristic manner. Indeed, last night I hid behind the sofa and secretly watched home renovation TV shows with the volume down low, hoping a roommate would catch me in the act, with the potential danger acting as a sure aphrodisiac. But that's enough about me.

As you can see, this method is 100% effective.





In other news, as a reward for his part in helping Leicester City avoid the drop this season and manage a comfortable mid-table finish, British Armed Forces Commander Rory Winterbourne 11 has seen fit to promote CheetahCurtis to the rank of Regiment Captain, meaning he will be able to enjoy such privileges as uh, well, er...





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