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Let's laff at the Canadians



Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?
A: Canadian.

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian?
A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
A: The taste!

Q: Who would win in a fight between Celine Dion and Shania Twain?
A: We all would!

Q: What are the 2 seasons in Canada?
A: WINTER AND JULY!



Q: Why aren't there any Mexicans in Canada?
A: They can't run that far.

Q: How do Canadian Environmental groups plan on using Hilary Clinton to stop the spread of Asian carp into the Great Lakes?
A: By having her go Skinny Dipping in Lake Michigan

Q: Why is the late Corey Haim going to be buried in his native Canada?
A: The USA and Canada held a coin toss and Canada lost!

Q: Why did Leandro Barbosa choose to play for the Toronto Raptors?
A: Because they have much better pot in Canada!

Q: Why does Celine Dion want to purchase the Montreal Canadiens?
A: Because she wants to ruin more than just music!



Q: Why is President Obama contacting the Prime Minister of Canada about the failed economy?
A: To find out how Canadians live off of less!

Q: What was the original title for "Canadian Idol"?
A: "The Worlds Biggest Hoser"

Q: Why did Bill Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.



Q: What is the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A: A canoe tips.

Q: Whats the difference between a Canadian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing,theyre both fictional characters

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Canadians were fighting over a penny.

Q: Why don't Canadian women wear sleeveless dresses?
A: They aren't allowed to bare arms



Q: What does Premier Wynne and Mayor Rob Ford have in common?
A: They both have more than enough to eat at home.

Q: How do you know Adam was a Canadian?
A: Who else could stand beside a naked woman and be tempted by a fruit?

Q: Why are the obese angry at the Supreme Court of Canada for giving them extra seats when they fly Air Canada or WestJet?
A: Because they wanted extra meals!

Q: Why is George W Bush considering moving to Canada?
A: Because his penis size will increase from 6 inches to 15.24 centimeters!

A Canadian Doctor, gives you an annual check-up. What does he does he do first? He body checks you!



S1: Rush Limbaugh said he'll move to Canada if the Health Care overhaul passes congress!
S2: Upon hearing Rush's intentions Canada immediately countered by banning oxycontin!

Job Application
A man from Newfoundland went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99". Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go bye," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100." Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100." The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100." Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps near the base of each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"



RCMP
A canadian calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Antoine Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!" The next day the RCMP descends on Antoine's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Antoine and leave. The phone rings at Antoine's.. "Hey Antoine, did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yep" "Did they chop all your firewood?" "Yep" "Happy Birthday Buddy!"



Free Sex
A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up." Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex. The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex. The Canadian says, "7" The gas attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 6. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same Canadian, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number. The Canadian says, "5" The gas attendent says, "Sorry,it was 4. You were so close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the Canadian says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." The buddy replies,"No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."



You Might Be Canadian
If Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.
You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You think Great Big Sea isn't Atlantic-centric enough.
You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
You love your fries with poutine
You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
You substitute beer for water when cooking.
You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.
You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.
You know who Foster Hewitt is.
You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".
You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.
You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.
The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.
You can play road hockey on skates.

[source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/worldjokes/canadajokes.html]







Let's laff at the Argies

Q Why does an Argentine stare at the sky and smile when there is lightning?
A He thinks God is taking his picture

Q How does an Argentine commit suicide?
A He climbs onto his ego and jumps down, but he doesn't die from the impact; he starves to death on the way down

Q If the Argentines are the best, why did they lose the Falklands War?
A They didn't lose, they were the vice-champions

Q What is the best deal on earth?
A To buy an Argentine for what he is worth and then sell him from what he thinks he is worth

Q Why are laboratories beginning to use Argentines instead of rats?
A Because they were getting attached to the rats

Q What's the difference between Argentines and terrorists?
A Terrorists have sympathizers

THE TRAIN RIDE
In a train there were an old lady, a very pretty young woman, an Argentine man and a Brazilian man.
The train entered a very dark tunnel. A kiss was heard and after that the sound of a slap.
The old lady thought: "I am proud of this young woman. One of the two youngsters kissed her and she slapped him hard."
The young woman thought: "One of the two guys tried to kiss me, but ended up kissing the old lady and got slapped."
The Argentine thought: "What bad luck! The Brazilian kissed the girl, and the one that got slapped was me."
The Brazilian: "Ha ha, great! I kissed the back of my hand and slapped the face of the Argentine."



DEATH ON THE HIGHWAY
A Brazilian enters a police station and confesses to the Chief:
Brazilian - I came to turn myself in, I committed a crime and since then I cannot live in peace.
Chief - Sir, the laws here are very severe and must be obeyed and if you really are guilty there will be no appeal or excuse about a bad conscience that will keep you out of jail. What crime did you commit?
B - I ran over a man.
C - That is very, very serious. You may go to jail.
B - It was an Argentine on the road to the south of the city of Caxias (near the border).
C - My friend, you cannot blame yourself if these Argentines cross streets and highways all the time.
B - But he was standing on side of the road.
C - He was on the side of the road because he wanted to cross, and if it had not been you it would have been someone else.
B - But I did not even have the decency to inform the man's family, I am a jerk!
C - My friend, if you had informed them there would be riots, popular repudiation, protests, repression, fights and maybe even more people would die. I think you are a pacifist; you deserve a statue.
B - But it is worse... I buried the poor man there, on the side of the road.
C - You are a great humanist, to bury an Argentine. You did good, any other person would abandon the body there to be eaten by buzzards and other animals, maybe even hyenas.
B - But while I was burying him, he cried out: I am alive, I am alive!
C - All lies, these Argentines are always lying...



Just seen the Argentinan advert filmed on the Falklands Islands.
Not the first time I've seen an Argentinian running on the Falklands...

The outgoing Pope Benedict was introduced to the incoming Pope Francis today.
He said, 'We've met before. I stayed at your place after World War II, remember?'

Argentina want a share of the Falklands oil.
There's an easy way to give them plenty of it.
Put BP in charge of the drilling.

I was walking along the street when I came across a guy sitting on the pavement, begging.
Poor f*cker had an arm and a leg missing, and his clothes had seen better days.
He had a sign in front of him which rea😛 'FALKLANDS WAR VETERAN'.
I thought to myself, "What a f*cking disgrace! A Falklands War Veteran begging on the street. What's this country coming to?"
Feeling guilty, I chucked £20 in his pot.
He looked up at me and with tears in his eyes he said, "MUNCHAS GRACIAS, SENOR."


Brought to you by Neil Lewis
@ The Ministry of Entertainment