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Guess what? I lied about long articles. Here we go. What comes after such a wonderful and rapturous Presidential announcement? The Cabinet! They will be a part of my inner council, and each will receive a nickname. For the duration of my term, they are only to be referred to by that name. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Obviously for such a mighty and powerful being such as myself, I could do no less than bring the best minds, and the strongest personalities to run my government. Some of these names may be shocking for some, but they will become the pillars of this community. Pillars of wonderfully smooth marble perfectly set to handle the weight of that golden palace I will reside in. I mentioned it earlier, go back and read again if you don’t remember the golden palace, it’s sort of a cornerstone of this platform.

Now, before I show you the names, I will assuage your likely confusion. To any of those questions you may have, I can only chuckle to myself and reiterate my abilities. I have the magic under my sleeves to make this work. I’ve purchased a Ouija board and browsed the $0.99 cent bins at the local book store for dusty tomes of a paranormal nature. I will bring a whole new meaning to the phrase puppet master.




Throughout my time in eRepublik, there are few men who I just constantly saw getting shit on for everything they did. “The Perfect Scapegoat” is the very image of the “Elite”. I couldn’t possibly ask for a better candidate to help guide my team as Chief of Staff. It positions him perfectly to take the blame for any and all failures of my administration. It was probably his fault anyway, right? Right.


A wonderful and honorable man. Great facial hair. During all the time I spent in EZC so long ago, that man sure knew how to pump out the weapons. We need weapons, thermonuclear weapons to be exact. This will be key to attaining victory against our occupiers. It is also very important that I control the weapons at all times. They will be reserved for my brainwashed-new-player-slave-army. Dissension and disloyalty will not be tolerated and will be mercilessly persecuted.



Hey, don’t laugh. I haven’t even gotten to the joke section of the article. I can not think of a better choice for my MoFA than “The Man of Many Faces”. From what I hear, he allegedly has at least one multi account in every country in the eWorld. These are the kind of connections we need. A man so immersed in every culture that he could practically be considered fluent. Almost the perfect candidate for CP in each and every one of those countries. I think he’s tried in most of them at one point or another. That’s called diplomacy.


Now, “The Friends Feed Guy” changes his name, picture, and citizenship at least one a week, so this article will probably become obsolete within the next few days. But this doesn’t mean he isn’t extremely talented in education. I know him through the fairly regular “Dio” messages I see in my friends feed, and that’s just about it. He will be instrumental in my policy of oppression, as Education Minister he will also oversee the media. Negative articles about me will not be tolerated. In fact, I will require at least one positive article about me to be posted every single day of my term. Failure to post the article and post positive comments will result in me cutting all public support programs for that particular day. I can be a benevolent overlord, it’s your choice.



My Minister of Interior is probably going to be my most straightforward pick, and much of his tenure will be spent with treasury management. He will ensure that the taxes generated from my MAX TAXES program is properly routed to my offshore bank account for later use and proper distribution. Additionally, I require access to his solid gold/diamond studded credit card in order to get the admins to look the other way during the repeated atrocities I will likely commit.

*Cabinet positions are subject to change due to shifting political winds. I'm not a weatherman.

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Now that we’ve gone through this team, you might be wondering if any of them have actually accepted any of these positions, and what the situation on deputies will be. To answer the first, no, but refusal is not an option. They are being forced to serve, and if they refuse to do it willingly, they will be forcefully compelled to work. All staff members will be required to submit a familial hostage to ensure proper performance and 100% effort. Deputies will consist of whoever the cabinet members fancy and will likely serve out the term as slaves forced to do the most boring and tedious work required. Because it sure as hell isn’t going to be me doing it. I am also amending my platform to ensure that bribes are more than allowed, they are encouraged under all circumstances. How else will the members of my staff find the enthusiasm to get work done? Just make sure you send them through me first, I promise they'll be properly distributed.

The time to vote is quickly approaching. Make sure you make the right choice when you vote on the 5th. There may be some hostages on the line. Think of the families. Oh, and I lied about the joke section. Do something about it.